There are over 20 attractions in the park.  The brunette in the really tight jeans was one of them, hey baybeee!  Additionally, you can stroll down Dixie Cup(TM) Plaza, get sort of lost in the Pinnacle Rock Maze, or bluff the cowboy at the Cowboy Bluff.

We wandered through the Pinnacle Rock Maze for a while until we got bored and left.  We couldn't find anything cool in the maze, so we asked a park employee what was in the maze.  "Well, there's rocks," she said. But what about the center?  In a maze, there's supposed to be a statue or a golden chalice or something in the center that you're supposed to find to make the maze interesting.  "Just rocks," she said.  That was the God's-honest truth.

This is the Red and White Animatronics Show.  You can take any of the 700 empty seats and watch as every hour, on the hour, a variety of terrifying fruits and vegetables begin floating and talking in an Exorcist sort of way.  The garlic speaks with a fake Italian accent, as all garlic does.  The tomato wears Wayfarer sunglasses and does Jack Nicholson impersonations.

When we saw this show, the oranges and the onions' vocal track did not seem to be functioning correctly.  As a result the lemons would set up the onions for a punch line -- "Well, what IS the best thing about being an onion?" and there would be this sullen silence for about 15 seconds.  It turned what might have been light vegetarian entertainment into a deeply dark and existential portrayal of a fruit stand.  Samuel Becket would have loved it.

These are the "oranges o' death."  It is best not to speak of them.

This is Learning Shed #2. There are three other learning sheds.  Those learning sheds are Learning Shed #1,  Learning Shed #3, and Learning Shed #4.  We could have given them fun names, like Peppy or Googoo or Gopher Shed, but that would be just a little too wacky and would divert us from our proper purpose, which is Learning.  Enter the Learning Shed #2 and a 36" Trinitron flat display greets you.

One of the loop tapes that plays in this Learning Shed is "Good Garden Manners."  In this documentary, Professor Earl the Squirrel explains to you how to behave in the park.  "We want these plants to be around for everyone to enjoy!" the squirrel burbles.  "So don't pick the flowers or pull the leaves off the plants!" 

Now, when we were seven years old, if our parents had made us sit in a stupid learning shed and watch Earl the Squirrel tell us not pull the leaves off flowers, the first thing we would have done after leaving the shed would have been to ransack the gardenias.  But apparently reverse psychology is not a factor at Bonfante Gardens.  And Bonfante Gardens hasn't yet learned that you can't control kids with a Learning Shed; all the really expensive flowers and plants (including the Circus Trees) are within a short arm's reach of the blacktop paths.

Here is Rax Raccoon, one of the fully owned and licensed characters of Bonfante Gardens.  A little girl cops a feel while Mom tries to get photographic evidence.  We're not entirely sure, but we think Rax may have been packing heat -- check the bulge in Rax's hip pocket.  That's a gun, we think.  "Hey kids, don't pick the flowers, or Rax'll bust a cap!"

The railroad ride takes you entirely around the park, including to the "under development" areas and the areas that Michael thought would be done several months ago.  This is the Frantzich attraction.  You get three minutes to tool around in the Caterpillar and run stuff over.

Rax Raccoon playing Zeppelin tunes with P.G. (Probably Gonna) Swindelya and Michael Bonfante.  Michael is the one in the center.