She craved the perfect martini. He was on the prowl for a premium steak. Together they found… Satisfaction… at Bogart’s!
And I’m sorry that you’re still reminded
Shocked silence throughout the room. A dozen people: no one breathes.
Noel says, “Dissatisfied.”
Silence.
Lance says, “Interrupted.”
Silence.
Anthony says, “I feel like… no… he can’t end like that.”
Silence.
Alex says, “Largely I didn’t get what I wanted. It’s like I got to do some of what I wanted, but I didn’t get it all.”
Silence.
Sean says, “I’m having a tough time with myself. I’m Frank N Furter’s evil twin that just can’t seem to make it with girls. I mean, if he’s going to end up pervy in the end…”
Silence.
Sheri says, “I had a bunch of sex and got away with it.”
Viva la resolution!
I received this e-mail from George Sanger today, aka The Fat Man. He called it his “Daily Dedication for Artists and Workers.” I’m not big into republishing other people’s art here on johnbyrd.org, but in this case his words resonated with my current life. Here’s hoping they help you as well.
If it serves Creator, may my day be dedicated to bringing happiness to others.
May my consciousness be focused on work that will bring this about.
May the positive results of my work radiate to the Universe and help elevate all Beings.
I pray to have faith that work done earnestly and from the heart will have these positive effects. I pray to have faith that work done in this way is as good as any activity in which a living person can engage.
I do not pray that this work will result in praises for myself. I do not pray for material gain. I do not pray for a final product that I can hold in my hand, or that will last forever. I do not pray to know that I have progressed in my skill or wisdom.
I do not pray for reassurance that I have been wise in how I have spent my time.
I only ask for the blessing of a day of work, focused on bringing good to all Beings.
If the focus does not come, may I have the faith to know that the Universe has brought me to a better path than the one I had planned.
If, on the other hand, the day seems at its end to have vanished into nothingness, if it seems to have come up missing, to have been taken away from me, to have disappeared irretrievably into work, and that work seems to have disappeared with less effect than I had planned, with less seeming result, with less praise than I had hoped, and with very little reassurance that I have achieved something,
Then I pray for the faith to take these as signs that this prayer may have been answered, and rejoice in that!
Amen.
You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals
I’m driving home from No Exit and chatting Valerie on the cell phone. “I hope you don’t mind if I tell you,” she said. “I have to pee.”
“What, you mean right now?” I asked.
“Yes, right now,” she said. “I’m going to go pee. We can continue the conversation, though.”
“No, wait a minute,” I said. “No, we can’t. You can hang up and pee and then call me back. It is a rule for men that no conversation will take place when anyone is peeing.”
“Oh, really?” she said. “Women talk when they pee. You’ll go into a women’s bathroom and usually the women will be having a conversation on the toilets. All kinds of personal deep-down details of their lives, communicated at high volume across the stalls.”
“No,” I whispered hoarsely. “That’s a lie… a damned lie.”
“It’s totally true,” she said. “Don’t men do that?”
“Hell no!” I shouted. “That’s unnatural! Men don’t have conversations at the urinals! Pee time is private time! You should never, ever talk to another person when they are peeing! It is just wrong! Peeing while talking is not to be tolerated!”
Silence.
“Valerie?”
I hear the unmistakable sound of a toilet flushing.
Two in the morning and the party’s still jumping ’cause my momma ain’t home
Word up: There will be a staged read of my new play, The Bishop’s Eighteen Wives, at the Hillbarn in Foster City on March 29, 2005 at 7:30 p.m. The director is Ann Kuchins and she’s damned good — she was nominated for a Bay Area Critics Circle award in 2001 for her work on Three Tall Women.
Playing the queen ice bitch princess, Irmgard II von Diepholz, will be the glorious and immaculate Alex Alexander. Alex played Lizzie against my Starbuck in The Rainmaker last year. Ann directed us both, and Alex and I ended up winning Favorite Actor and Actress for 2004 at the ‘Barn.
I’m telling you flat out. You need to cancel your other nonexistent plans and get your ass to the Hillbarn on March 29.
Tickets are $10 cheap at the door, phone number (650) 349-6411. You need hear this play before it breaks into the big leagues.
Update! Several other rockstars have signed up for the show, including the inspired Marin Carpenter as Marlena, the gorgeous Valerie Allen as Sophie, and the talented Sean Williford as The Evil Bishop Franz von Waldeck. Noel Wood will be rocking the part of Jan van Leyden. w00t!
I can be handy mending a fuse when your lights have gone
INT. ENTRYWAY - DAY
Martha, in a houserobe and carrying a cell phone, answers the
door. Plumber stands in the doorway, carrying a chest of
tools.
PLUMBER
You got a problem with the toilet,
ma'am?
MARTHA
Ah yes, you're the plumber.
PLUMBER
Actually, I'm a plumbing engineer,
ma'am.
They walk through the house; we dolly behind them.
PLUMBER
So what's the problem?
MARTHA
With the toilet?
PLUMBER
Yes.
MARTHA
(quickly)
Well, there is a leak at the base
of the valve cap. It's a model
four hundred A. You'll need to
lift the arm, remove the calcium
deposits, and rotate it one-eighth
of a turn counterclockwise. Also,
there's a bit of a noisy refill
cycle. The angle adapter is
pointing straight down the overflow
pipe. You need to tilt the angle
adapter so the refill water is
hitting the inside wall of the
overflow pipe. Lift the rod arm
and remove the top cap assembly by
turning one-eighth of a turn
counterclockwise. Using a
straightened coat hanger, carefully
clean out the inlet passage of the
valve.
If the problem still persists, you
may need to replace the water
supply line with Fluidmaster's
flexible no-burst Braided Stainless
Steel connector.
PLUMBER
Um...
MARTHA
Yes?
PLUMBER
Sorry, this is a lot of
information.
MARTHA
What part didn't you understand?
PLUMBER
Well, um, I'm not sure.
MARTHA
Repeat it back to me.
PLUMBER
Well, there's a leak on the valve
cap, and it's a model, what? Four
hundred?
MARTHA
Four hundred A.
PLUMBER
Yeah, that -- and there are calcium
deposits on it, so I can probably
get those out with a toothbrush --
MARTHA
I beg your pardon.
PLUMBER
Yeah?
MARTHA
You'll need to lift the arm, remove
the calcium deposits, and rotate it
one-eighth of a turn
counterclockwise. No toothbrush.
PLUMBER
Oh, okay. No problem. And there
was, what did you call it, a noisy
refill cycle? Yeah. The angle
adapter is tilted and it needs to
be straightened out --
MARTHA
No. That's not what I said. The
angle adapter is pointing straight
down the overflow pipe. You need
to tilt the angle adapter so the
refill water is hitting the inside
wall of the overflow pipe.
The plumber pulls out a clipboard.
PLUMBER
Maybe I should be writing this
down.
MARTHA
Maybe you should be.
PLUMBER
Okay, now, you have a top cap
assembly? And what did you want me
to do with that?
MARTHA
Lift the rod arm and remove the top
cap assembly by turning one-eighth
of a turn counterclockwise.
PLUMBER
Okay, one-eighth of a turn
clockwise.
MARTHA
Counterclockwise!
PLUMBER
Didn't I just say counterclockwise?
MARTHA
No, you said clockwise!
PLUMBER
Damn. Okay, one-eighth of a turn.
MARTHA
Use the seal with a Fluidmaster
Model 242.
PLUMBER
The Fluidmaster model 242?
MARTHA
Yes. It's available in most stores
that carry Fluidmaster valves.
PLUMBER
Oh, yeah, okay.
MARTHA
I want you to repeat all that back
to me.
PLUMBER
Um. Leak on valve cap. Model four
hundred. No, wait, four hundred A.
Yeah. And you want the Fluidmaster
stainless steel connector.
MARTHA
(gritting her teeth)
Fluidmaster's flexible... no
burst... Braided Stainless Steel
connector.
PLUMBER
Yes, that connector. Um...
MARTHA
What?
PLUMBER
You know, you may not need to
replace that valve. If you just
clean off the deposits with a
toothbrush --
MARTHA
Why do you continue to resist me?
PLUMBER
What?
Martha dials the cell phone.
MARTHA
I give you clear instructions, and
you refuse to follow them! You
hate me! You do, you hate me!
PLUMBER
No, ma'am, it's not that --
MARTHA
Hello, Lisa? The plumber you
referred to me? He's telling me
how I should fix my own toilet!
He's not listening to me! He's a
bad, bad plumber!
PLUMBER
Actually, I'm a plumbing engineer,
ma'am --
MARTHA
(screaming, in tears)
You bastard! You insensitive,
heartless bastard!
Dramatic organ music plays.
FADE TO BLACK.
So go ahead, put us down, one of these days we’ll turn it around
Uh I’m sorry that I can’t you know open the conversation and talk easily with you about it like gracefully and sympathetically because uh I get uh tongue tied you know I like get nervous and I can’t talk because you know it’s all these thoughts like these thoughts inside my head and I want to talk to you but I can’t express myself you know I can’t uh get these ideas out of my head and into yours and achieve clarity and sympathy and uh sorry did you say something?
There’s a silence here between us
Jenna picked at her salad with one hand and flipped her black curls off her forehead with the other. Her high cheekbones, which I have often seen pale and drawn, had a pleasant pink flush. She was happy, and I was happy to see her.
“I want to thank you again for doing Orpheus Descending with me,” I said. “Two years ago, was it?”
“Almost to the day,” said Jenna. Her twenty-seven year old cheeks dimpled dutifully.
“Did you ever see Alan after the show ended?” I asked.
I saw a little shadow pass over her face. “We exchange e-mails from time to time,” she said. “But, no, once the play was over I never saw him again.”
“What happened between you and Alan?” I asked.
“Oh, I fell in love with him. Did you not know? Yes,” she said. “Or perhaps I fell in love with the character he was playing. Or both.”
I decided to change the subject. “How is the married life?”
Jenna smiled. “Oh, Chris is a dear. We’ve been married for three years, and things are much better between us now. He’s okay with you and I having dinner together.”
“I never quite understood why Chris hated me so much,” I said. “Why did he refuse to let you visit me for all those months?”
Jenna dropped the piece of bread on the plate. “During Orpheus Descending, my husband was convinced that I was in love with another man. He was right, of course. He was just wrong about who the other man was.”
Here I go, on the road again
You know when I’m in a play, and I either tell you flat out, “This play’s gonna be good, come see it” or I mumble and change the subject to something else?
Well. This play’s gonna be good. It might even be really good. Come see it.
Dragon Productions presents Jean-Paul Sartre’s No Exit, directed by Jane Geesman. It runs February 18 through March 6, Thursday thru Saturday at 8 p.m. and Sundays at 2 p.m. at the Pear Avenue Theatre in Mountain View.
Tickets are $10 – $20. You can purchase them online here or call (650) 492-2006.
In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came
Are you a loser with no life? Sure you are! Come on by tonight (that’s as in February 5, 2005) to the PEERS Ball at the Masonic Lodge in beautiful downtown San Mateo! The M. Lestat de Lioncourt will be there, and boy, will he be funny!