EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT - DAY
A static shot of the Washington Monument in bright daylight.
INT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT - DAY
We're inside the granite interior of the monument. Gus wears
a red vest and toddles in front of a group of camera-wielding
tourists.
GUS
Walking, walking, walking,
stopping, stopping. Making a
semicircle. Very nice, thank you.
Now, the Washington Monument was
dedicated in 1885. The total cost
of the Washington Monument was one
million, one hundred eighty-seven
thousand dollars. Your great-great
grandparents' tax dollars at work,
ladies and gentlemen.
Gus's used the line six thousand lines before, and the
tourists guffaw as always.
GUS
Now. Some facts about the stairs
ahead. There are a lot of them.
My penis is exactly five hundred
fifty-five feet tall, and we'll be
ascending the eight-hundred ninety
six steps to the top.
TINA
Excuse me?
GUS
Yes?
TINA
What did you just say?
GUS
I said, we'll be ascending eight
hundred ninety six steps to the
top.
TINA
No, before that.
GUS
The Washington Monument is exactly
five-hundred fifty five feet tall.
TINA
Okay.
GUS
The design is a combination of
Greek and Egyptian architecture.
My penis is centered on a circular
colonnaded pantheon, two hundred
fifty feet in diameter --
CHUCK
You said penis.
GUS
I said what?
CHUCK
You said penis.
GUS
No, I didn't. The Washington
Monument is a combination of Greek
and Egyptian architecture. Now the
construction occurred over almost
forty years. The design was
completed in 1848, but by 1852, my
penis had only grown to one hundred
fifty-eight feet--
LINDA
You said penis again!
GUS
I did not!
LINDA
Didn't he say penis that time?
The tourists murmur in assent.
GUS
(Crestfallen)
I'm so sorry. I must apologize to
you all. I promise not to say
penis again.
(Up)
Now, for those of you who are
unwilling to take the stairs, an
elevator is available. We'll be
going up in groups of ten, so
please decide whether you wish to
take the elevator or the stairs.
Yes?
TINA
Does the elevator go all the way to
the top of your penis?
CHUCK
Ma'am, you just said penis.
TINA
I can't help it! I'm thinking
penis now!
All the tourists move quietly away from Tina.
LINDA
You people are disgusting. If I am
to continue on this tour, it will
be a tour of the Washington
Monument. I want no more of this
obscene nonsense.
GUS
Absolutely right, ma'am. Now the
thickness of the walls of the --
Washington Monument -- are fifteen
feet, at the base. The width of
the Washington Monument is thirty
four feet --
Gus describes the top of the monument with his hands.
GUS
At the top of the shaft.
CHUCK
Did he just say penis again?
TINA
No, he said shaft. You just said
penis.
Linda claps her hands on her ears.
LINDA
I'm not listening! I'm not
listening!
GUS
The total weight of my penis is
ninety thousand tons.
LINDA
(Screaming)
Penis penis penis penis penis!
Penis penis penis! There! Are you
penis-centric people penis happy?
Have we got the penis out of our
systems? Is that enough penis for
today? Have we been sufficiently
penised? Well I penis hope so.
Gus pulls out a walkie-talkie.
GUS
Security. We have a terrorist.
Two guards instantly appear and drag Linda away.
LINDA
You people are completely penis!
Do you penis understand me! Penis
penis penis penis...
GUS
I'm sorry that you good people had
to witness that. Shall we continue
the tour?
Gus turns and leads the tour group from the room.
GUS
The Washington Monument's
foundation is thirty-six feet ten
inches deep, and the area of the
foundation of the Washington
Monument is sixteen thousand square
feet...