FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
A bed. John and Marin are in a clench.
JOHN
How much longer until your
husband comes home?
MARIN
We have hours.
They kiss. A director, sporting a ball cap and megaphone,
runs on, waving his arms.
PHIL
Cut, cut, cut! Whoa, I saw a
tongue there.
JOHN
Pardon?
PHIL
No tongues. This is for network.
You never see tongue kisses on
network T.V. So clean that up.
MARIN
Not even on U.P.N.?
PHIL
Not even.
Lisa enters, checking her watch. She gently taps Phil.
PHIL
I want your tongues kept firmly
in your respective mouths during
the kiss. Got that? What is it,
sweetie?
LISA
Darling, I really don't belong on
set while you're working. Thanks
for inviting me, but I should
head back and start dinner for
the kids.
PHIL
Okay, sweetie. Thanks for
stopping by.
LISA
See you after work. Bye.
Lisa and Phil do a huge sloppy tongue kiss, their tongues
extended Gene Simmons style. Ed enters, carrying a fresnel
lamp. Ed taps Phil on the shoulder. Lisa and Phil
disengage.
ED
Problem. The tungsten on the
ellipsoidal's blown out.
Lisa waves and leaves.
PHIL
Oh, hell. Didn't I tell you to
rent back-ups? Now what do we
have left?
ED
Well, we have plenty of
fresnels...
PHIL
Fresnels! Dammit, they wash out
the skin tones! At least tell me
you brought the fill lights!
ED
Fill lights? Who asked me to
bring fill lights?
PHIL
I can't believe how much your
tech direction sucks!
ED
Oh yeah? You're an egotistical
prima donna director! I hate
you!
Arianne enters, carrying a small dog.
ARIANNE
Guys, guys. We've got plenty of
Coolbeam spots in the van.
PHIL
We do? Oh, geez. I'm sorry,
man. The pressure of the shoot,
you know. I'm getting snappy
with everyone.
ED
Hey, it's okay, man.
PHIL
Forgive?
ED
Forgive.
Phil and Ed engage in a huge sloppy winding tongue kiss.
PHIL AND ED
Mmmrrrmmmmrrrrmmmm!
Arianne tapes Phil on the shoulder.
PHIL
Yeah?
ARIANNE
I talked to the wranglers and
this dog was the cheapest one
they had.
PHIL
Why so cheap?
ARIANNE
Well, I think he's got worms or
something. He keeps sneezing in
this weird way. And in the car
ride over here, he kept coughing
up these balls of phlegm.
PHIL
He's so cute!
Phil takes the dog's paw.
ARIANNE
You have to watch him. He keeps
licking his testicles. I think
he has some kind of infection
down there.
PHIL
What does he eat?
ARIANNE
Well, his own feces, mostly.
PHIL
Dogs can do that, you know. It's
like recycling. I like this one!
This is definitely our dog!
Phil takes the dog in his arms and nuzzles it.
PHIL
Aren't you the cutest little poo
poo-pa-dog that ever was? Yes!
Yes you are!
Phil extends his tongue... Is he going to French kiss the
dog or not?
MARIN
(interrupting)
Excuse me? Can we get back to
work?
PHIL
I think we'll wrap for this
evening. This dog seems to have
peed on my shirt.
AUDIENCE
Ewwww!
PHIL
But he didn't mean to. Did he?
No, he didn't, the little poo-poo
pa-dog!
Dear glory be! Phil French-kisses the dog!
AUDIENCE
AAAAUUUGGHH!
SMASH CUT TO:
GRAPHIC OVERLAY - U.P.N. LOGO
We hear a 1 kHz tone briefly, followed by an official
sounding announcer.
ANNOUNCER
The management of this station
would like to apologize for
airing the previous sketch. We
acknowledge that it overstepped
the bounds of good taste and
decency. We sincerely regret any
inconvenience caused to the
viewing public. We assure the
viewers that all possible steps
are being taken to prevent this
sort of occurrence in the future.
We acknowledge that tongue
kissing is not appropriate for
television.
(pause)
Except when it's hot lesbian-on
lesbian action!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Two women tongue kiss over porn-style wocka-wocka guitar
licks!