INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT - DAY
Charles and Travis muse at a white-linen table. A half-eaten
pizza is on the table, along with a salt and pepper shaker
and eating utensils.
CHARLES
That's the third waitress we've had
to let go in the past month.
TRAVIS
Why did we let her go?
CHARLES
Oh, she used bad language with the
customers.
TRAVIS
Bitch.
The door opens, and here comes Tilda, carrying her rucksack,
mincing and grinning and flashing cleavage for all she's
worth. She's dressed to what she considers to be the nines.
To us, it's somewhere between fours and sevenses. She
carries a "Help Wanted" sign.
TILDA
Hello? I am Tilda. I am seeing
this sign. You are wanting me
badly, I think. So I am coming for
you. And I am coming for you too.
That is exciting for me.
Charles and Travis exchange looks.
TRAVIS
Sit down, Tilda.
She does so with a flip of her skirt.
TILDA
Oh thank you so much. May I take a
piss?
CHARLES
What?
TILDA
May I take a piss?
TRAVIS
Ahem. The bathroom is down the
hall --
TILDA
No, thank you, I want to take a
piss on the table. A piss on the
table. A piss of da pitsa, you
know?
She points at the pizza.
TRAVIS
Oh, you want a piece of the pizza!
TILDA
Ya! I say that, you know.
She grabs a slice and munches it.
CHARLES
Grace under pressure is our motto,
Tilda. Let's say that one of our
clients demands tortilla chips for
an appetizer. Unfortunately we
don't stock tortilla chips. So how
would you respond?
TILDA
Oh, ya. I give him my tasty titz.
TRAVIS
You give him what?
TILDA
My tasty titz. You know? Men like
to eat my tasty titz.
CHARLES
Men eat your what?
TILDA
Tasty titz! Tasty titz!
Tilda reaches in her rucksack and pulls out a bag of
Tostitos.
CHARLES
You give him your Tostitos!
TILDA
Ya! Tasty titz! I say that
exactly!
TRAVIS
Okay. A family is having a
birthday celebration.
Their son has just turned sixteen.
What's the best way to show
appreciation to the birthday boy?
TILDA
Oh, ya. In that case, I eat his
cack.
She demonstrates by gulping the pizza.
CHARLES
Oh my.
TILDA
He is sixteen now, yes? I eat his
cack. In my country he is a happy
age for that.
TRAVIS
I think she's saying "eat his"
something.
TILDA
Oh, ya, sometimes vanilla cack.
Sometimes chocolate cack. You have
the candles on the cack, you know?
I eat his cack with him.
CHARLES
You eat his cake!
TILDA
Ya, I eat his cack! I say that
exactly! Your ears are full of
schleflemeleg...
She shoves the slice of pizza in her cleavage.
TILDA
I am saving that for later, I
think.
TRAVIS
Okay. Tilda, sometimes we get the
Golden State Warriors team in the
restaurant. As you know, Tilda,
there are African-Americans on the
team. Would you set up for our
black male clients any differently?
TILDA
Oh, ya. In case of basketball
team, I have the salt and peppa
clussta fock.
CHARLES
She didn't just say that, did she?
TILDA
Why not? The basketball team, they
all want it, you know? And they
don't want to reach. So I have the
salt and peppa clussta fock.
TRAVIS
I think she's saying salt and
pepper.
TILDA
Ya, I say that, salt and peppa.
TRAVIS
Is she saying cluster something?
TILDA
Ya, clussta fock. Fock. You know?
Fock fock fock fock fock. I have
the salt and peppa clussta fock.
CHARLES
Oh dear God.
Tilda picks up the salt and pepper from the table.
TILDA
Salt! And the peppa!
Tilda picks up a fork from the table.
TILDA
And the fock!
She puts the items on the table close together.
TILDA
I have the salt and peppa clussta
fock!
TRAVIS
You have the salt and pepper close
to the fork!
TILDA
(exasperated)
Ya! I have the salt and peppa
clussta fock! I am only saying
that for ten minutes now!
Hello, I am Tilda! Nice to meet
you, very much!
Tilda pulls the piece of pizza out of her cleavage and throws
it on the table.
TILDA
I change my mind. You can eat
that. The sausage, she is poking
my brashlieshka.
TRAVIS
(to Charles)
I tell you, this woman really wants
the waitress job. I bet she'd do
anything to get it. And it's been
months since I've had a date.
CHARLES
(to Travis)
You're going to have sex with that
thing? That's disgusting.
TRAVIS
Just watch me. Hey, Tilda? I'll
give you the job... If you give me
fellatio.
TILDA
Eh?
TRAVIS
Fellatio. You know, fellatio.
TILDA
Belly show? You are strange, but
okay, I show you my belly.
Tilda lifts her shirt and shows her belly.
TILDA
Some pissa still there, I think.
TRAVIS
No. Fell-a-ti-o.
Tilda pulls a thick book labelled "DICTIONARY" from her
rucksack and ruffles through it.
TILDA
Sorry, I don't know, what is the
fellatio? I am looking here. I am
looking... Eff, ee, ya, here is da
fellatio. It is a noun, ya...
She finds the definition, reads it, and reacts in horror.
She beats Travis over the head with the dictionary and throws
it at him. She grabs the slice of pizza and the other items
on the table and throws them at Charles and Travis. She
picks up her rucksack, all the while screaming...
TILDA
Eesha been pishalaff bicka
momlenalat absadefflishka
mensolat...
Tilda walks to the door.
TILDA
Dirty monkey fish pig! Fellatio!
I never do that! I am a good girl!
Go make the fellatio to yourself!
Hah!
She bites her thumb at Travis and leaves, still spouting
invective.
FADE TO BLACK.