INT. BAR - DAY
Jason and Bill ruffle papers in this local bar. On the
bartop there are several bowls of nuts.
JASON
We're in trouble. The bartender
quit today.
BILL
Why don't we just hire another?
JASON
Not one person has responded to our
ad.
The door opens, and in minces Tilda. It's hard to tell
exactly which country in Europe she's from, but she's a
striking vision in red high heels, a parish bustier, a kicky
little skirt, and a French beret. She adjusts her cleavage
as she enters.
TILDA
Oh, pardon me, yes. I am Tilda. I
am showing you myself for job?
BILL
Um, yeah. Why don't you sit down?
Tilda sits on a bar stool with a flourish. She drops a
backpack on the floor.
TILDA
Yes, for the job. I come for that.
You can use me freely.
Tilda indicates her breasts.
TILDA
Vould you like to see my razoom?
BILL
Your what?
TILDA
My razoom. I can show you my
razoom. You vant to see my razoom?
Tilda reaches between her breasts and pulls out a typewritten
piece of paper.
JASON
Oh, your resum�!
TILDA
Ya! My razoom!
Jason and Bill scan the page.
BILL
It says here that you worked in Las
Vegas?
TILDA
Vegas, ya.
JASON
What kind of work did you do in
Vegas?
TILDA
Oh, I was nood there.
BILL
You were what?
TILDA
Nood. Nood. People see me when I
am nood there.
JASON
In Vegas, what were you doing?
TILDA
Nobody know me. I am new girl in
town. Nood. You know?
BILL
Oh, you were NEW there!
TILDA
Ya! I say that exactly!
JASON
(slowly)
Okay. How did you make money in
Las Vegas?
TILDA
Oh. I kiss dass.
BILL
What did she say?
TILDA
I kiss dass. I make so much money
when I do that.
JASON
You kissed something?
TILDA
Ya, I kiss dass. You know? I kiss
dass, I roll dass, I say seven
seven seven, I double money!
Tilda reaches into her rucksack and pulls out a pair of dice,
which she kisses.
BILL
You kiss the dice!
TILDA
Ya! I say that exactly.
JASON
Tilda, what are some of your
hobbies?
TILDA
Hobbiz?
BILL
Yes, what do you do in your spare
time?
TILDA
Oh, ya. In spare time. Then I
perver sax play.
BILL
What is she saying?
TILDA
You know the sax play? Ya. I
perver it.
JASON
You like to play something?
TILDA
Ya, I perver sax.
BILL
What is it you do?
TILDA
Sax play! Perver sax play!
She reaches into her rucksack and pulls out a saxophone.
TILDA
I perver sax play!
JASON
You prefer sax playing!
TILDA
Ya, ya!
She plays a couple dreadful notes on the saxophone and puts
it away.
BILL
Okay. Let's say you have a
customer at the bar, and he's
drunk. He asks you for another
drink. What do you do?
TILDA
Oh, ya. In difficult situation, I
always ass teekle.
JASON
You always what?
TILDA
Ass teekle. Ass teekle. You know
that? Teekle teekle teekle?
BILL
What do you do in a difficult
situation?
TILDA
Ass teekle! Wait, I show you!
She reaches into the rucksack and pulls out an orange tiger
doll.
TILDA
Teekle! Teekle, what you think I
should do about drunk man?
(as the tiger)
Rowr rowr rowr rowr...
BILL
You ask Tigger!
TILDA
Ya! I say that exactly!
JASON
Okay. When a man enters the bar,
what's the first thing you do for
him?
TILDA
Oh, ya. I lick da peenas en da
bawls.
BILL
You what?
TILDA
I lick da peenas en da bawls for
him. He like that, I think.
JASON
Are you saying balls?
TILDA
Bawls, yes.
JASON
How many balls?
TILDA
Oh, two bawls. Some men, they have
the three.
BILL
What is she saying?
TILDA
The men lick them! I give them the
bawls!
Tilda grabs two bowls full of nuts from the bartop.
TILDA
Da peenas en da bawls!
JASON
You like the peanuts in the bowls!
TILDA
Ya! I lick da peenas en da bawls!
Ya, I say that exactly.
BILL
Well, Tilda. Would you like the
job?
TILDA
Oh, I blow job off.
JASON
Sorry, you what?
TILDA
Ya, I blow job off.
BILL
You're blowing the job off?
TILDA
Ya, I say that. I blow job off!
Tilda gathers her rucksack.
JASON
You mean you're not taking the job?
TILDA
No! I don't want da job!
BILL
Why not?
TILDA
Because you cannot speak ze
freaking English!
Tilda flips her skirt and leaves the bar with a flourish.
FADE TO BLACK.