FADE IN:



               EXT. BOAT DOCK - DAY

               The Minnow, a small tour boat in an out-of-the-way tourist
               dock in Hawaii.  A round guy in a blue shirt winds a spool of
               rope, while a skinny guy in a red shirt ticks a clipboard.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Skipper?

                                   SKIPPER
                         What is it, little buddy?

               Gilligan shudders and then points at the bar chart.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         I calibrated the chronometer.  At a
                         rate of twenty-two point four knots
                         per gallon at a heading of three
                         one zero, we won't maintain
                         critical engine performance.

                                   SKIPPER
                         Really, is that so?  Let me see
                         that.

               The Skipper takes off his hat and examines the clipboard.  He
               whaps Gilligan on the head with it.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Please don't hurt me again,
                         Skipper... I'll be your "little
                         buddy"...

               Ginger toddles on in sunglasses and a spangly dress.  Mary
               Ann and the Professor queue up behind them.  Several men line
               up and load a huge number of trunks and satchels in an
               assembly line and toss them down in the hold.  

                                   SKIPPER
                         Ah yes, Ginger Grant, Mary Ann
                         Summers and Professor Roy Hinkle. 
                         You're checking baggage, I believe?

                                   GINGER
                         Just a few things.  Twenty-one
                         dresses, eighteen pairs of
                         stockings, fourteen slips, and
                         seventy-two pairs of shoes.

                                   MARY ANN
                         Seventeen pie tins, and two spools
                         of hair ribbon.  
                             (to Gilligan)
                         Ooh.  You must be the first mate.  

                                   SKIPPER
                         Word of advice, sweetheart. He's
                         mine.

                                   MARY ANN
                         All righty then.  I guess that's
                         why you're called the FIRST mate.

               Gilligan shudders.

                                   GILLIGAN
                             (whispers)
                         Please kill me.

                                   PROFESSOR
                         I'm bringing three hundred
                         textbooks on astrophysics.  Also,
                         for safety, I thought it best if I
                         brought a radio along on this three
                         hour tour.

                                   GILLIGAN
                             (pleased)
                         What does it run on?

               The Professor flourishes a huge heavy bag from behind him.

                                   PROFESSOR
                         Coconuts!

                                   GILLIGAN
                         You'd be handy to have around on a
                         desert island.

                                   SKIPPER
                         I know who I want to have on a
                         desert island.

               Gilligan shudders and starts to weep.  Mr. and Mrs. Howell
               arrive, toting a large black suitcase.

                                   MRS. HOWELL
                         Really, dahling, I wonder why we
                         don't travel on one of our private
                         yachts?

               Mr. Howell opens the suitcase and pulls out a huge Baggie
               filled with white powder.

                                   MR. HOWELL
                         And I wonder why I'm taking you
                         instead of my ravishing young
                         mistress.  Hah!  But seriously, 
                         Lovey.  I have a particular
                         offshore business transaction to
                         make.  Need to travel incognito. 
                         It should increase our net worth to
                         fifty million!

                                   MRS. HOWELL
                         Ooh, dahling!  You're selling
                         cocaine to black people again!

                                   MR. HOWELL
                         Ix-nay on the ocaine-cay.

                                   SKIPPER
                         Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs.
                         Howell.  Gilligan, the suitcase.

               Gilligan grabs the suitcase.

                                   MR. HOWELL
                         Ah, Skipper.  I must... impress
                         upon you the importance of privacy
                         in this tour.  Most important to
                         keep this as off the books, so to
                         speak.  A cash transaction only,
                         you know.  Things are simpler that
                         way.

               While Mr. Howell is talking to the Skipper, Gilligan has
               gotten into the cocaine and has experimentally sniffed a big
               handful.  He has a big poof of powder on his nose.

                                   MR. HOWELL 
                         I'll carry that.

               Mr. Howell takes the cocaine, and Mr. and Mrs. Howell enter
               the boat.

                                   SKIPPER
                         Gilligan!

                                   GILLIGAN
                             (stoned)
                         Skippppeeeeerrrrr!

                                   SKIPPER
                         Gilligan, what's wrong with you?

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Dogs!  Big dogs!  Landing on my
                         face!

               Skipper smacks Gilligan on the head.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Augh!  Brain leaking!  Agony!

               Skipper picks up a tool chest.  He opens it and shows that
               it's full of equipment.

                                   SKIPPER
                         Here, Gilligan.  Flares, medical
                         supplies, a compass, navigation
                         charts, and a short-wave radio. 
                         Stow them.

               Gilligan takes the tool chest and licks it.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Fish!  Large happy fish!  Dancing! 
                         Oh, they dance!

                                   SKIPPER
                         Gilligan, plot our course! 
                         Carefully!

                                   GILLIGAN
                         The walruses are so pink!

               The Skipper enters the boat's cabin.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         Oogle!  Oogle snick boober moofy
                         doof!

                                   SKIPPER (O.S.)
                         Mainsail set!  Anchors aweigh!

               Gilligan drops the tool chest overboard.

                                   GILLIGAN
                         I'm the king of the world! 
                         Aaaaahhhhhhh!

               The Gilligan's Island theme song starts as we...

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.