"SECURITY OFFICERS #2"

                                                              FADE IN:

               EXT. PATROL CAR - NIGHT
                (BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN)

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN CRUISE THE FILM-NOIR STREETS OF
               L.A. IN THEIR OLDSMOBILE.  THEIR BADGES GLINT OFF THE
               DASHBOARD LIGHTS.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      It ran through us like a kilo of

                      controlled substance through a

                      Tijuana flophouse.  The mayor's pet

                      starlet had phoned in from his

                      mansion.  

                                   LITTLE STAN (V.O.)

                      Another anxiety to mop up.  But

                      that's what we do.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      We're security officers.

                                                               CUT TO:

               TITLE CARD - "SECURITY OFFICERS"

               MUSIC STING (A LA PETER GUNN)

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. MANSION BEDROOM - NIGHT
                (BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN, MAYOR, BABETTE)

               MAYOR, SHIRTLESS, IS IN BED WITH BABETTE, ALSO SHIRTLESS. 
               THEY HUG THE SHEETS AROUND THEMSELVES AS BIG STAN AND
               LITTLE STAN ENTER.

                                   BIG STAN

                      This stinks like the Monday blue

                      plate at County Court.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      On Thursday.

                                   MAYOR

                      Stan, Stan.  The lady and I are just

                      friends.  Can't we keep this on the

                      Q.T.?  Tell my wife and I'll have

                      you shot!

                                   BIG STAN

                      Denial, bargaining, anger.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Next is the despair phase.

                                   BABETTE

                      He's a premature ejaculator.

                                   MAYOR

                      Oh dear sweet loving God!

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      There's the despair.

                                   MAYOR
                          (crying)

                      I've tried everything to slow down,

                      boys!  Thinking of tooth extraction,

                      dead kittens... an actor as

                      governor!

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN REACT IN DISGUST.

                                   BIG STAN

                      Any Colt forty-five can misfire

                      sometimes, Chief.

               LITTLE STAN MAGICALLY PRODUCES A PIE CHART LABELLED
               "PREMATURE EJACULATION."  THE BOTTOM OF THE CHART READS,
               "SOURCE: CALIFORNIA DEPT. OF MOTOR VEHICLES."

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Twenty-two percent of L.A. males age

                      thirty-five to fifty complain of

                      periodic premature ejaculation.

                                   MAYOR

                      So, I'm not homosexual after all! 

                      Oh dear sweet relief!  I feel like a

                      mayor again!

               BABETTE CLUTCHES THE MAYOR.

                                   BIG STAN

                      Drop the civic leader and back away,

                      ma'am.

                                   BABETTE

                      Look, Sigmund and Freud.  I got

                      enough sharp words from my father

                      when I was a girl.  Now get out!

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Ten-oh-eight.  Total father

                      fixation.

                                   BABETTE

                      My father was a bastard, but that's

                      all you got on me! 

                                   BIG STAN

                      He wasn't your father, ma'am.

                                   BABETTE

                      Pardon?

               LITTLE STAN MAGICALLY PRODUCES A PIE CHART LABELLED "YOUR
               FATHER."  THE BOTTOM OF THE CHART READS, "SOURCE: YOUR
               MOM."

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      According to reliable sources, you

                      were sired by a humpback shoe

                      salesman.

                                   BABETTE

                      Why do you think it was him?

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Call it a hunch.

                                   BABETTE

                      That bastard wasn't my father after

                      all!  I don't have to compensate by

                      sleeping with older men!  Bless you,

                      Security Officers!

                                   MAYOR

                      Oh dear sweet loving God no!

                                   BIG STAN

                      Our work here is done.

               THEME MUSIC UP

               EXT. PATROL CAR - NIGHT
                (BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN)

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN CRUISE THE FILM-NOIR STREETS OF
               L.A. IN THEIR OLDSMOBILE.  FOR SOME INEXPLICABLE REASON,
               THEY'RE NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      The mayor was speechless with

                      appreciation.  But the City of

                      Angels doesn't remember favors.

                                   LITTLE STAN (V.O.)

                      We're used to it.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.) 

                      We're security officers.

                                                               CUT TO:

               TITLE CARD - "SECURITY OFFICERS"

               MUSIC STING (A LA PETER GUNN)

                                                        FADE TO BLACK.