INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

               The well-dressed announcer appears before a black background. 
               In the lower right-hand corner of the screen is a digital
               display that reads: "NIELSEN RATING: 0.2".

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         As you know, S.U.T.N. is currently
                         under investigation by the Federal
                         Communications Commission for
                         violating indecency standards in
                         television broadcasting.  We, the
                         management of S.U.T.N., would like
                         to explain why we broadcast
                         patently offensive material to the
                         viewing public.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Kathy and Stacy make out.  They pull apart for a moment.

                                   KATHY
                         I love you, Sis.

               We hear a "ding" and the display in the lower-right hand
               corner changes to "NIELSEN RATING: 0.5".

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         Time and again, we have attempted
                         to uplift and educate the public
                         with high-quality cultural and
                         political satire.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               William, from the waist up, shirtless.  He looks down at his
               crotch, off camera, shaking something with his right hand and
               moaning to himself.  He raises his hand and we see he's been
               shaking a flask of booze.

                                   WILLIAM
                         Martini's ready.

               We hear a "ding" and the NIELSEN RATING jumps to 1.3.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         But time and again, millions of
                         perverted sex-starved viewers like
                         you reward gratuitous smut with
                         higher ratings.  The more smut, the
                         better the ratings.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Close up on Tammy's face.  Her eyes are closed and she moans
               in ecstasy.  As she does so, several dollops of white goo
               land on her face.

                                   TAMMY
                         Oh, yes, just like that, yes!

               We pull back and see that Mark is holding a spoon and a jar
               of mayonnaise.

                                   MARK
                         You want some mustard with that?

               There are three dings and NIELSEN RATING jumps to 3.4.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         We provide only the entertainment
                         that you, the Krispy-Kreme-eating
                         Nintendo-witted public, demand. 
                         We dream of a time when we can make
                         money by presenting programming
                         that is both intellectually and
                         emotionally stimulating.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Romeo, in full Elizabethan garb, declaims.

                                   ROMEO
                         But soft!  What light through
                         yonder window breaks!

               We hear a BZZT! and the NIELSEN RATING plummets back to 0.2.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         Until then, here are your damned
                         lesbians.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Kathy and Stacy are joined by Tammy.  They do a three-way
               kiss as porn-style wocka-wocka guitar licks play...

               Ding ding ding ding!  And the NIELSEN RATING jumps to 1.3...
               to 4.5... to 954.2...

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.