NewsomPressConference2SameSex2 Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
please rise for Gavin Newsom.
Gavin Newsom, sporting a huge wide tie and slick hair, stands
behind a podium bearing the seal of San Francisco.
Before I became the mayor of your
city, I was a highly successful
businessman. I founded and
operated the profitable PlumpJack
chain of wine stores in San
Francisco. Thank you for not
laughing. This is the same San
Francisco in which twenty-seven
percent of the population is
homosexual. I'm proud to sell
alcohol to people of all sexual
orientations -- white, Afro
American, black, and straight.
The PowerPoint clicks ahead.
Today I'm going to discuss our
office's position on same-sex
marriage. I'm happy to report
that our office has enabled over
three thousand marriages, over half
of which are male-to-male. Our
official position on male-to-male
Yeah, okay, whatever. It's not my
personal turn-on. But I am
something of an expert on
homosexual male culture. I have
watched "Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy" for several weeks now. And
this is what I've learned: straight
women think gay men are hot. To
me, that's competition. So gay
guys want to get married? Gay guys
want permanently out of the dating
The mayor of San Francisco says,
rock on, gay dudes. More women for
the rest of us.
The PowerPoint clicks ahead.
Next, I want to discuss female-to
female marriage in San Francisco.
I want to describe my position
relative to the Governor and the
President. To date, President Bush
has been indirectly responsible for
the deaths of over five hundred
troops in Iraq. He has also called
same-sex marriage troubling.
Governor Schwarzenegger has killed
five hundred thirty eight people in
twenty movies. Schwarzenegger has
called same-sex marriage illegal.
To date, I have killed no one. But
let me tell you, I am something of
an expert on woman-on-woman love.
I have downloaded the Britney
Madonna kiss online and I have
watched it over and over and over
again. Anything I can do to
promote this kind of behavior in
San Francisco, I'm gonna do. Bush
says no? Schwarzenegger says no?
Well, I'm the mayor of this city!
And I say: Hell yes, baby!
Lesbians, not war! Hell yes!
Gavin catches his breath and flashes a gang symbol.
Word up, people. Lastly, I want to
talk to the people across the
United States who may believe that,
by enabling same-sex marriage, I am
breaking state and federal laws.
Dear white-bread, bible-belt, donut
eating, trailer-trash America:
despite your bigotry and your
poorly spelled constitutional
amendment, San Francisco is, and
will ever be, the City of Love, for
both gays and straights.
The rest of you need to drop your
twentieth-century hang-ups and join
the party. My fellow San
Franciscans, my fellow Americans, I
thank you for listening.
Gavin Newsom reaches behind the podium and pulls out several
fistfuls of condoms, which he extends in each fist.
Now let's all get laid!
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.