Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.


               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

                                   ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
                         please rise for Gavin Newsom.

               Gavin Newsom, sporting a huge wide tie and slick hair, stands
               behind a podium bearing the seal of San Francisco.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Before I became the mayor of your
                         city, I was a highly successful
                         businessman.  I founded and
                         operated the profitable PlumpJack
                         chain of wine stores in San
                         Francisco.  Thank you for not
                         laughing.  This is the same San
                         Francisco in which twenty-seven
                         percent of the population is
                         homosexual.  I'm proud to sell
                         alcohol to people of all sexual
                         orientations -- white, Afro
                         American, black, and straight.

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Today I'm going to discuss our
                         office's position on same-sex
                         marriage.   I'm happy to report
                         that our office has enabled over
                         three thousand marriages, over half
                         of which are male-to-male.  Our
                         official position on male-to-male
                         marriage is...  

               Gavin thinks.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Yeah, okay, whatever.  It's not my
                         personal turn-on.  But I am
                         something of an expert on
                         homosexual male culture.  I have
                         watched "Queer Eye for the Straight
                         Guy" for several weeks now.  And
                         this is what I've learned: straight
                         women think gay men are hot.  To
                         me, that's competition.  So gay
                         guys want to get married?  Gay guys
                         want permanently out of the dating
                         The mayor of San Francisco says,
                         rock on, gay dudes.  More women for
                         the rest of us.

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Next, I want to discuss female-to
                         female marriage in San Francisco. 
                         I want to describe my position
                         relative to the Governor and the
                         President.  To date, President Bush
                         has been indirectly responsible for
                         the deaths of over five hundred
                         troops in Iraq.  He has also called
                         same-sex marriage troubling. 
                         Governor Schwarzenegger has killed
                         five hundred thirty eight people in
                         twenty movies.  Schwarzenegger has
                         called same-sex marriage illegal. 
                         To date, I have killed no one.  But
                         let me tell you, I am something of
                         an expert on woman-on-woman love. 
                         I have downloaded the Britney
                         Madonna kiss online and I have
                         watched it over and over and over
                         again.  Anything I can do to
                         promote this kind of behavior in
                         San Francisco, I'm gonna do.  Bush
                         says no?  Schwarzenegger says no?
                         Well, I'm the mayor of this city!
                         And I say: Hell yes, baby! 
                         Lesbians, not war!  Hell yes!

               Gavin catches his breath and flashes a gang symbol.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Word up, people.  Lastly, I want to
                         talk to the people across the
                         United States who may believe that,
                         by enabling same-sex marriage, I am
                         breaking state and federal laws. 
                         Dear white-bread, bible-belt, donut
                         eating, trailer-trash America:
                         despite your bigotry and your
                         poorly spelled constitutional
                         amendment, San Francisco is, and
                         will ever be, the City of Love, for
                         both gays and straights. 
                         The rest of you need to drop your
                         twentieth-century hang-ups and join
                         the party.  My fellow San
                         Franciscans, my fellow Americans, I
                         thank you for listening.

               Gavin Newsom reaches behind the podium and pulls out several
               fistfuls of condoms, which he extends in each fist.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Now let's all get laid!

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.