INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

                                   ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
                         please rise for Gavin Newsom.

               Gavin Newsom, sporting a huge wide tie and slick hair, stands
               behind a podium bearing the seal of San Francisco.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Before I became the mayor of your
                         city, I was a highly successful
                         businessman.  I founded and
                         operated the highly successful
                         PlumpJack chain of wine stores in
                         San Francisco.  Thank you for not
                         laughing.  This is the same San
                         Francisco in which twenty-seven
                         percent of the population is
                         homosexual.  I'm proud to sell
                         alcohol to people of all sexual
                         orientations -- white, Afro
                         American, black, and straight.

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Today I'm going to discuss our
                         office's position on same-sex
                         marriage.   I'm happy to report
                         that our office has enabled over
                         three thousand marriages, over half
                         of which are male-to-male.  Our
                         official position on male-to-male
                         marriage is...  

               Gavin thinks.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Yeah, okay, whatever.  It's not my
                         personal turn-on.  But I am
                         something of an expert on
                         homosexual male culture.  I have
                         watched "Queer Eye for the Straight
                         Guy" for several weeks now.  And I
                         know that gay men are thinner,
                         better dressed, and generally
                         hotter than straight men.  And I
                         know that straight women think gay
                         guys are hot.  To me, that's
                         competition.  So gay guys want to
                         get married? 
                         Gay guys want permanently out of
                         the dating pool?  The mayor of San
                         Francisco says, rock on, gay dudes. 
                         You can all get married now.  More
                         women for the rest of us.

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Next, I want to discuss female-to
                         female marriage in San Francisco. 
                         I want to describe my position
                         relative to the Governor's and the
                         President's position on this type
                         of marriage.  To date, President
                         Bush has been indirectly
                         responsible for the deaths of over
                         five hundred troops in Iraq.  He
                         has also called same-sex marriage
                         troubling.  Governor Schwarzenegger
                         has killed five hundred thirty
                         eight people in twenty movies. 
                         Schwarzenegger has called same-sex
                         marriage illegal.  To date, I have
                         killed no one.  But let me tell
                         you, I am something of an expert on
                         woman-on-woman love.  I have
                         downloaded the Britney-Madonna kiss
                         online and I have watched it over
                         and over and over again.  Anything
                         I can do to promote this kind of
                         behavior in San Francisco, I'm
                         gonna do.  Bush says no? 
                         Schwarzenegger says no?
                             (screaming)
                         Well, I'm the mayor of this city!
                         And I say: Hell yes, baby! 
                         Lesbians, not war!  Hell yes!

               Gavin catches his breath and flashes a gang symbol.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Word up, people.  Lastly, I want to
                         talk to the people across the
                         United States who may believe that,
                         by enabling same-sex marriage, I am
                         breaking state and federal laws. 
                         Dear white-bread America: our city
                         is full of law-abiding, tax-paying
                         people who want nothing more than
                         the peace, happiness, and tax
                         exemptions that you all take for
                         granted.  Dear bible-belt, donut
                         eating, trailer-trash America:
                         despite your bigotry and your
                         poorly spelled constitutional
                         amendment, San Francisco is, and
                         will ever be, the City of Love, for
                         both gays and straights.  The rest
                         of you need to drop your twentieth
                         century hang-ups and join the
                         party.  My fellow San Franciscans,
                         my fellow Americans, I thank you
                         for listening.

               Gavin Newsom reaches behind the podium and pulls out several
               fistfuls of condoms, which he extends in each fist.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Now let's all get laid!