Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.


               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

                                   ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                         Ladies and gentlemen of the
                         press, please rise for Gavin

               Gavin Newsom, sporting a huge wide tie and slick hair,
               stands behind a podium bearing the seal of San Francisco.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         As you all know, in addition to
                         being your mayor, I am a
                         successful businessman.  I
                         founded the profitable PlumpJack
                         chain of wine stores.  Thank you
                         for not laughing.  When I became
                         Mayor of San Francisco in
                         December of 2003, I swore to
                         bring the same ruthless
                         efficiency ... to the war on
                         homelessness ... as I have used
                         to run my chain of wine stores.

               A PowerPoint presentation appears, newscaster-style, behind
               Gavin's head.  Gavin's speaking points don't always
               correspond with what's going on in the PowerPoint, however.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         First, I want to detail the
                         success of the "Cars Not Cash"
                         program.  In the "Cars Not Cash"
                         program, homeless people no
                         longer receive their general
                         assistance check for three
                         hundred ninety five dollars. 
                         Instead, they receive the 2004
                         Chrysler Concorde, with a two
                         hundred horsepower V6 engine,
                         traction control standard, and
                         real-wood interior trim.  Our
                         homeless clients tell us the
                         program is reducing their
                         dependency on drugs, and they
                         also say that the 2004 Chrysler
                         Concorde is "the pimp-daddy shiz

               The PowerPoint presentation proceeds.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         As part of my campaign pledge to
                         you, the Mayor's office has
                         created the Behavioral Health
                         Roaming Team. 
                         This is a team of roving
                         counselors and nurses who will
                         provide counseling and referrals
                         to shelters.  Their mission is to
                         provide intervention and support
                         to homeless persons.  Here's a
                         quote from the group supervisor
                         of the Behavioral Health Roving
                         Team, B. A. Baracus ...

                                   B. A. BARACUS (V.O.)
                         When punks start hasslin' decent
                         people, I make it my bidness!

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         If you have a problem, and no one
                         else can help, and if you can
                         find them, maybe you can be
                         treated by... the Behavioral
                         Health Roving Team.

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Next, I want to detail our new,
                         centralized intake system for the
                         homeless.  I am happy to report
                         that we have successfully
                         implemented our fingering program
                         for the homeless.

               A consultant slides on beside Gavin Newsom and tries subtly
               to get his attention.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         The vast majority of homeless
                         enjoy and appreciate the fact
                         that we are fingering them so
                         lovingly and completely.  For
                         Christ's sake, what do you want?!

               The consultant whispers in Gavin Newsom's ear and runs off

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         I am happy to report that we have
                         successfully implemented our
                         finger-PRINTING program for the
                         homeless.  Printing.  Yes.  Um. 
                         They really hate it ... But they
                         don't have a choice! ... Bwah hah

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Next, I want to describe the
                         modifications we have made to the
                         city's distribution of food
                         stamps.  As you know, on the
                         streets, homeless people have
                         been bartering food stamps in
                         exchange for money, which they
                         then use to purchase sex from
                         local San Francisco prostitutes. 
                         We will introduce legislation
                         requiring all San Francisco
                         prostitutes to accept food stamps
                         directly in exchange for sex.  We
                         call this our "Tramps Not Stamps"
                         program.  I have personally
                         tested this program extensively,
                         and I can tell you that it is the
                         "pimp-daddy shiz-nit."

               The PowerPoint clicks ahead.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Finally, I want to detail our
                         progress on the war on drugs. 
                         The number one problem on the
                         streets of San Francisco is drug
                         abuse.  More so than any other
                         city in the United States, in San
                         Francisco, drugs are readily
                         available and constantly abused. 
                         From the cannabis-smelling corner
                         of Haight and Ashbury to the
                         cardboard slums South of Market,
                         it's considered socially
                         acceptable to smoke, poke, or
                         toke any drug that you can afford
                         into your body.  Well.  First, I
                         will do my utmost to repair the
                         city's legal gray area
                         surrounding drug use.  But I also
                         will educate San Franciscans that
                         there is no such thing as a safe
                         drug.  My fellow San Franciscans,
                         I thank you for listening.

               Gavin Newsom reaches behind the podium and pulls out two
               bottles of wine, which he extends in each fist.

                                   GAVIN NEWSOM
                         Now let's all get wasted!

Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.