"HARDCORE MATH"

                                                              FADE IN:

               INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                (DAD, MOM, TOMMY)

               MOM AND DAD WORRY OVER A FOLDER LABELLED, IN LARGE BLACK
               LETTERS, "REPORT CARD."  DAD SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY AT
               TOMMY.

                                   DAD

                      Tommy, these math grades just have

                      to improve.

                                   MOM

                      That's why we've decided to buy you

                      Hardcore Math.

               MOM HOLDS OUT A VIDEOTAPE LABELLED "ALGEBRA I".  THE LABEL
               HAS THE FAINT OUTLINE OF A WOMAN, HER HEAD THROWN BACK IN
               ECSTASY.  TOMMY TAKES IT TENTATIVELY.

                                   TOMMY

                      Hardcore Math?

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. HALLWAY - DAY
                (MOM)

               TOMMY GOES TO HIS ROOM.

                                   MOM (O.S.) 

                      The Hardcore Math Learning System,

                      for your twelve- to seventeen-year

                      old boy.  Guaranteed to improve

                      grades in geometry, algebra,

                      trigonometry and calculus.

               TOMMY WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY INTO HIS BEDROOM, STUDYING THE
               COVER OF THE TAPE CASSETTE. 

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. TOMMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
                (MOM)

               TOMMY PLOPS THE TAPE INTO A V.C.R., SITS ON THE FLOOR, AND
               PRESSES A BUTTON ON A REMOTE CONTROL.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                (SANGRIA)

               TOMMY'S TELEVISION PLAYS THE VIDEOTAPE.  THE SCREEN FLASHES
               "ALGEBRA I" FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN CUTS TO A HOT CHICK,
               TOPLESS, HOLDING HER BREASTS!

                                   SANGRIA
                          (The sex bomb)

                      The slope of a line can be

                      calculated if the equation Y equals

                      M times X plus B is known.  Ahh... 

                      Ahh...

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                (SANGRIA)

               WE SEE TOMMY FROM THE TELEVISION'S P.O.V.  TOMMY IS THE
               HAPPIEST BOY IN THE WORLD.

                                   SANGRIA (O.S.)

                      The slope of the line!  Is Y minus

                      B!  Over X!  Oh yes!  Yes!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                (SANGRIA, DAD)

               DAD, WEARING PAJAMAS, SHUFFLES DOWN THE HALLWAY, YAWNS, AND
               CHECKS HIS WATCH.  HE PAUSES IN FRONT OF TOMMY'S DOOR AND
               LISTENS.

                                   SANGRIA (O.S.)

                      The quadratic!  Equation!  Is

                      negative B plus the absolute square

                      root of B squared!  Yes!  Yes! 

                      Minus four times A times C!  Over

                      two times A!  A!  A!

               WE ALSO HEAR A NEW NOISE, LIKE A CHIPMUNK CHEWING ON
               VASELINE.  DAD NODS AND SMILES TO HIMSELF.

                                   DAD

                      Studying algebra at four a. m.

                      again.

               INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                (DAD, MOM, TOMMY)

               TITLE OVERLAY - "THREE MONTHS LATER"

               TOMMY SHUFFLES NERVOUSLY WHILE MOM OPENS A NEW REPORT CARD. 
               WE SEE A'S AND A-PLUSES ALL THE WAY DOWN THE CARD.  MOM AND
               DAD SMILE.

                                   DAD

                      Straight A's in math, Tommy!

                                   MOM

                      What would you like for your reward?

                                   TOMMY

                      Can I have... more Hardcore Math?

               EVERYONE LAUGHS.  DAD RUFFLES TOMMY'S HAIR WHILE MOM GIVES
               ANOTHER VIDEOTAPE TO TOMMY.  TOMMY BOLTS WITH IT.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. TAPE DISPLAY - DAY
                (ANNOUNCER, SANGRIA)

               A COLLECTION OF VIDEOTAPES DISPLAYED PRETTILY. 

                                   ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                          (At super-speed)

                      The Hardcore Math Learning System

                      improves your pubescent boy's math

                      grades or your money back! 

                      To order, send forty-nine ninety

                      five plus shipping and handling to

                      Hardcore Math, Box Sixty Nine, Porn,

                      California, Nine Double Oh Three

                      Six!

                                   SANGRIA (V.O.)

                      Ahh!  Ahh!

               OVERLAY - TEXT
               Hardcore Math
               Box 69
               Porn, CA  90036
               VISA Accepted - No C.O.D.'s Accepted
               Send No Cash - MC Accepted 
               Offer Not Available in 48 States - Visa/MC Not Accepted
               Send Cash - C.O.D.'s Accepted
               1-800-555-3948 - 1-800-555-2343 x2748
               Offered by Hormonal Marketing - Take Your VCR Off Pause

                                                        FADE TO BLACK.