HabibMonologue Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
INT. BIG LIL'S - NIGHT
THE ANNOUNCER GRINS INTO THE MICROPHONE, ALL STAGE
And now, one of the funniest men to
grace this stage in the last ten
THE ANNOUNCER BROADLY MOTIONS HABIB TO THE MICROPHONE.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Well, you certainly look like a
great crowd tonight. Yes. Can I
ask you something? How many of you
are from San Jose? Yes. That is
about seventy percent of you. Wow.
That must mean that thirty percent
are from the outlying areas. But
seriously. How about Arnold
Schwarzenegger becoming the governor
of California? I mean, he's got so
many muscles, he's so large. I
mean, I'm not saying he's taken the
steroids. Because those are illegal
in California. But I'm kidding of
course. I hope you don't mind, very
much. Hello. What's your name?
No, seriously, tell me your name.
Diane? Your name is Diane? What
kind of name is that? I mean, it
doesn't seem like a very common name
to me. I have never met anyone
called Diane before. But I am
kidding with you now.
HABIB FIDGETS A BIT.
So I have to tell you about my wife.
My wife is so fat. Oh wow. She is
so fat, that sometimes, it's
difficult for her to move herself
around for long periods of time.
Yes. But I am joking of course.
Hey, how about those San Francisco
Forty-Niners? I mean, I'm not
saying they're a bad football team.
Still, it seems their win-loss
record is decreasing as of late.
But seriously. I tell you, this
city. The parking, it is so
difficult to find parking.
Yesterday, I was driving around
looking for a parking space, and
maybe ten or fifteen minutes later,
I saw somebody pull out of a parking
space. So I took it, when it was
empty. Yes. I finally found a
HABIB NODS AND GRINS.
HABIB COUGHS FOR A FULL FIFTEEN SECONDS.
HABIB SAYS NOTHING FOR A FULL FIFTEEN SECONDS.
Wait a minute, I can't remember the
next one. Wait, why are you
laughing now? I'm not saying
anything yet. Okay. Wait. Oh yes,
yes: How about Arnold Schwarzenegger
becoming the governor of California?
I mean, he's got so many muscles,
he's very large. I mean, I'm not
saying he's taken the steroids.
Because those are illegal in
California. But I'm kidding of
HABIB STARTS SUDDENLY.
Wait! Wait, I have one! This is
good! Are you ready? Wait, listen,
listen! Here it is:
HABIB TAKES A DEEP BREATH.
HABIB WAITS FOR A REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE.
But seriously. Okay. Well, you
have been a wonderful audience.
Please remember to tip your servers.
I will be appearing other places
soon. I will actually be here again
at some point. Yes. Thank you.
You've been wonderful. Good night.
HABIB LEAVES THE STAGE, WAVING. THE ANNOUNCER TAKES CENTER
Habib, ladies and gentlemen. Now,
next up we have...
HABIB SUDDENLY RUNS BACK ON STAGE.
Wait, wait! I have one! It's good!
THE ANNOUNCER PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS HABIB.
THE ANNOUNCER SHOOTS HABIB AGAIN.
THE ANNOUNCER EMPTIES HIS REVOLVER INTO HABIB.
Habib, ladies and gentlemen.
TWO BURLY GUYS DRAG HABIB'S CORPSE OFF-STAGE.
FADE TO BLACK.
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.