INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

               The well-dressed announcer appears before a black background. 
               In the lower right-hand corner of the screen is a digital
               display that reads: "NIELSEN RATING: 0.2".

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         As you know, S.U.T.N. is currently
                         under investigation from the
                         Federal Communications Commission
                         for violating indecency standards
                         in television broadcasting.  We,
                         the management of S.U.T.N., would
                         like to explain why we broadcast
                         patently offensive material to the
                         viewing public.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Kathy and Stacy make out.  They pull apart for a moment.

                                   KATHY
                         I love you, Sis.

               We hear a "ding" and the display in the lower-right hand
               corner changes to "NIELSEN RATING: 0.5".

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         Time and again, we have attempted
                         to uplift and educate the public
                         with high-quality cultural and
                         political satire.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               William, from the waist up, shirtless.  He looks down at his
               crotch, off camera, shaking something with his right hand and
               moaning to himself.  He raises his hand and we see he's been
               shaking a flask of booze.

                                   WILLIAM
                         Martini's ready.

               We hear a "ding" and the NIELSEN RATING jumps to 1.3.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         But time and again, perverted
                         viewers like you reward gratuitous
                         smut with higher ratings.  The more
                         smut, the better the ratings.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Close up on Tammy's face.  Her eyes are closed and she moans
               in ecstasy.  As she does so, several dollops of white goo
               land on her face.

                                   TAMMY
                         Oh, yes, just like that, yes!

               We pull back and see that Mark is holding a spoon and a jar
               of mayonnaise.

                                   MARK
                         You want some mustard with that?

               There are three dings and NIELSEN RATING jumps to 3.4.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         So don't blame us, you dumb-asses. 
                         We provide only the entertainment
                         that you, the Krispy-Kreme-eating
                         Nintendo-witted public, demand. 
                         We dream of a time when we can make
                         money by presenting programming
                         that is both intellectually and
                         emotionally stimulating.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Romeo, in full Elizabethan garb, declaims.

                                   ROMEO
                         But soft!  What light through
                         yonder window breaks!

               We hear a BZZT! and the NIELSEN RATING plummets back to 0.2.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 1

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         Until then, here are your damned
                         lesbians.

                                                                CUT TO:



               INT. DARKNESS - CAMERA 2

               Kathy and Stacy are joined by Tammy.  They do a three-way
               kiss as porn-style wocka-wocka guitar licks play...

               And the NIELSEN RATING jumps... and jumps... and jumps!

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.