"SECURITY OFFICERS #1"

                                                              FADE IN:

               EXT. PATROL CAR - NIGHT
                (BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN)

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN CRUISE THE FILM-NOIR STREETS OF
               L.A. IN THEIR OLDSMOBILE.  THEIR BADGES GLINT OFF THE
               DASHBOARD LIGHTS.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      The heat was deadly.  As sticky as

                      the no-confidence slob we were about

                      to scrape off the floor.

                                   LITTLE STAN (V.O.)

                      But that's our job.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      We're security officers.

                                                               CUT TO:

               TITLE CARD - "SECURITY OFFICERS"

               MUSIC STING (A LA PETER GUNN)

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. BANK VAULT - NIGHT
                (SLUGGO, BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN)

               SLUGGO HOLDS A STETHOSCOPE TO A SAFE DOOR AND SPINS THE
               DIAL.

                                   SLUGGO

                      Twenty-five... Thirty-two left...

                      Forty-seven...

               TWO FLASHLIGHT BEAMS LAND ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.  HE
               TURNS AND REACTS TO THE SECURITY OFFICERS.

                                   SLUGGO (CONT'D)

                      Oh jeeze!  I'm not going to jail! 

                      Ass-munchers!

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN TURN OFF THEIR FLASHLIGHTS.

                                   BIG STAN

                      Mighty big word from a mighty

                      insecure man.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Like a lost schoolboy on the Santa

                      Ana.

                                   SLUGGO

                      Are you guys... Cops?

                                   BIG STAN

                      No.  We're security officers.

               MUSIC STING (A LA PETER GUNN)

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      I'm Stan.  He's Stan.

                                   SLUGGO

                      You'll never take me alive!

                                   BIG STAN

                      Cheap cliche.  Sluggo's feeling

                      nervous like a Porsche surrounded by

                      shopping carts.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Inadequate like a single A-ticket at

                      Disneyland.

                                   BIG STAN

                      Doubtful like the Dodgers in the

                      Superbowl.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Apprehensive like a South-Central

                      hooker who is apprehensive.

                                   SLUGGO

                      Stop, stop!  You're right!

               SLUGGO BREAKS DOWN CRYING.

                                   BIG STAN

                      I hate to see a grown man with no

                      self-confidence.

                                   LITTLE STAN 

                      Stiff upper lip, Sluggo.

                                   BIG STAN

                      In L.A., you don't have to knock

                      over banks to make a quick buck.

               LITTLE STAN MAGICALLY PRODUCES A LARGE PIE CHART LABELLED
               "JOB CREATION BY TYPE."  THE BOTTOM OF THE CHART READS
               "SOURCE: CALIFORNIA DEPT. OF MOTOR VEHICLES."

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      Twenty-two percent of new jobs are

                      in the food service industry.  And

                      thirty percent are in military

                      industrial applications.

                                   BIG STAN

                      That's a big three-oh, Sluggo.

                                   SLUGGO

                      You mean... I might be able to make

                      a dime on the up-and-up? 

                                   BIG STAN

                      This is L.A., Sluggo.

                                   LITTLE STAN

                      If you believe in yourself.

                                   BIG STAN

                      You can do anything.

                                   SLUGGO

                      I do got confidence!  I'm gonna go

                      polish my resume and do some

                      networking right now!

                                   BIG STAN

                      Our work here is done.

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN LEAVE.

                                                               CUT TO:

               THEME MUSIC UP

               EXT. PATROL CAR - NIGHT
                (BIG STAN, LITTLE STAN)

               BIG STAN AND LITTLE STAN CRUISE THE FILM-NOIR STREETS OF
               L.A. IN THEIR OLDSMOBILE.  THEIR BADGES GLINT OFF THE
               DASHBOARD LIGHTS.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      The night enveloped us like the

                      velvet-gloved arms of a Hollywood

                      starlet.  I felt anxious, like...  I

                      felt touchy, like... kind of, well,

                      I don't know, um...

                                   LITTLE STAN (V.O.)

                      Stiff upper lip, Stan.  That's our

                      job.

                                   BIG STAN (V.O.)

                      Oh.  That's right, Stan.

                                   LITTLE STAN (V.O.)

                      We're security officers.

                                                               CUT TO:

               TITLE CARD - "SECURITY OFFICERS"

               MUSIC STING (A LA PETER GUNN)

                                                        FADE TO BLACK.