EXT. DARK CITY - NIGHT
Cars burning, smashed store windows, rubble and twisted metal
cover the blue, moonlit streets. Brick buildings have
collapsed; a distant air raid siren goes ignored. We DOLLY
through the destruction; a too-familiar Metropolis has been
bombed.
We've heard his voice a thousand times before. His deep
voice chills us, same as always.
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY
In a world where there is no justice...
in a world where terror is the only
rule...
We take a turn down a blind alley. In front of a dumpster,
underneath a single, naked streetlight, we can dimly make out
our HERO at the end. He's facing away from us, and his left
hand holds up an AKM assault rifle.
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY (CONT'D)
Only one man can save the world.
Our HERO turns around to face us, and we've scared the hell
out of him! Oops... we seem to have caught him pissing on a
dumpster. And we know this guy...
CHRIS ROCK
Man, can't you let a brotha have a little
privacy?!
INT. WEAPONS FACILITY -DAY
CHRIS ROCK is pointing a semiautomatic pistol at an Arab.
The Arab is pointing a ROCKET LAUNCHER at Chris's chest;
Chris is outgunned by a mile!
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY
Chris Rock!
CHRIS ROCK
Put down the nuclear weapon and I won't
have to kill myself!
ARAB
(mystified)
No, I'm supposed to kill you...
Chris sticks the PISTOL into his own mouth.
CHRIS ROCK
I seg, pug gown ga mooclear weffon,
muvver fugger!
INT. MISSILE SILO -DAY
Chris Rock and EDDIE MURPHY worry over a nuclear warhead. A
patch panel is open; a red glowing DISPLAY reads 00:57 and
counting. Rock holds a pair of pliers over the patch panel;
he's ready to operate.
EDDIE MURPHY
Don't! Cut the green wire!
CHRIS ROCK
Don't cut the green wire?! You mean cut
the red wire!
Rock reaches for the red wire!
EDDIE MURPHY
I-said-cut-the-green-wire-dammit!
Rock gives up on trying to cut wire, and instead he goes for
Eddie Murphy's NOSE with the pliers. Eddie Murphy REACTS.
EDDIE MURPHY (CONT'D)
Ow, ow, ow, owooooo!
EXT. DESERT SANDS -DAY
The blazing sun pounds on Chris Rock. He's wearing a turban
and long white robes. He's talking to a superspy two-way
COMMUNICATOR on his wrist. A four-star GENERAL scowls on the
communicator. His face looks awfully familiar too...
GEORGE C. SCOTT
You've got exactly forty-eight minutes to
get in, disarm the weapons, and get to
cover before we launch every nuclear
weapon we've got!
CHRIS ROCK
What'choo talking 'bout, Willis?
INT. PENTAGON WAR ROOM -DAY
SALMA HAYEK is here, giving Chris Rock the once-over. She
looks like a million bucks in a form-fitting military
jumpsuit.
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY
Salma Hayek!
SALMA HAYEK
Is that a box-cutter in your pocket, or
are you just happy to see me?
Chris Rock looks out of frame at his pants, and REACTS.
CHRIS ROCK
Whoa! At ease, privates!
INT. MISSILE SILO
EDDIE MURPHY, barehanded, is facing an Arab armed with the
scariest-looking scimitar in seven countries. The Arab
SCREAMS, bearing down on Murphy, with his scimitar raised
high overhead.
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY
Eddie Murphy!
At the last minute, Eddie grabs the TURBAN on the Arab's
head, and pulls it down over his eyes. The Arab freezes dead
in his tracks.
ARAB
AAAAAAAAAH... huh?
TITLE CARD: COMMAND'OH!
FAMILIAR ANNOUNCER GUY
COMMAND'OH!
INT. WEAPONS FACILITY
A long-range NUCLEAR MISSILE wobbles precariously, stacked
crosswise on another missile. Chris Rock dodges a close
KNIFE SWING by JUMPING ON the teetering missile. He runs
from the base of the missile to the tip. The Arab TRIES TO
FOLLOW, but can't get his footing. Chris Rock jumps with
both feet on the tip of the missile. The missile's butt end
swings up and catches the Arab right in the jimmies! CU on
the Arab's face, as he lets out a perfect soprano C-sharp.
TITLE CARD: CREDITS