For Immediate Release
Barney Research Medical Laboratories, Propaganda Division Cambridge, MA
Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed physician. BRML assumes no liability, expressed or implied, for the behavior of those who read this document. Do not read this document, under any circumstances.
Look around you. Really stop for a moment and examine your immediate surroundings, wherever you are, at whatever time you are reading this. Do it now.
No, you didn't really stop and examine your environment, did you? You just went right on, reading the next paragraph. That's okay. But please. Take exactly ten seconds right now to look at all the things and experiences that are taking place around you right now. We'll wait.
What quality do nearly all of the things that you see have in common? They are tangible, sure. You can put your hand on many of them. They occupy space, and may have weight, and texture, and color.
But two things are necessarily true of 97.2% of the things that you examined just now.
Would you think it necessarily impossible, bizarre, incredible if we told you exactly what you are seeing, right now? We can. Two things are necessarily true of all the things that you perceive now.
First. They were produced, all but 2.8% percent of them, by people and things that DON'T LIKE YOU and want to extract as much blood and love and time from your precious self as they can before you nose-dive into the grave. And yes, this is the ABSOLUTE truth. Your clothes were made by someone else, and you probably paid higher than wholesale at some fashionable store, and you fattened the pockets of some tubercular old white men by paying for them. The furniture, the walls, doors, all those things were made by someone else, and they wanted to overcharge and neatly screw you before giving you these things that you need to survive. High-impact plastic, thin aluminum construction, durable fiber composition, designed to give years of service, cracks or bends within the first week. Turn on the Japanese-made television, if you like, and wade through hours of infomercials to see news reports of twelve-year-olds gunning down crack dealers in the streets of your city. Congressmen vote themselves pay raises while homeless people die like flies in the November cold. Oh, but if you support their plan to create JOBS and restructure the ECONOMY and LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, everything will be just hunky-dorey, just take your money and send it discreetly in. And if you want to change your neighborhood, you need to perform community watches, do volunteer work, GIVE FIVE percent of your nonexistent income to people that you don't know. Right now you see no free lunches, no earned-income tax credits, no foreign aid. There is nothing before you that you don't deserve, ten times over.
Here's the second thing that's true of everything around you. Nothing has the shiny, vibrating, rapt quality that it had when you were a kid. Nothing's new. Everything sucks. Bills, dental work, adultery, recycled aluminum, Evian water, treadmills, simulated leather jackets, newspapers, portable fax machines, the national health care system, tofu. All these things are products of your grown-up world and they all BITE beyond any hope of atonement. When was the last time that you had a lollipop? Months? Years? Or are you worried about cholesterol, or fat content, or calories? What self-respecting kid worries about these corporate multivitamin mind-control words? Face it. Things were cooler when you were under seven. You had freedom to eat, sleep, and live. But now, things are dull, prosaic, and lifeless. Now you eat to keep up your strength to work to make money to eat. You require all the things you have. You have few toys, little candy, no relaxation. Look at the things around you and see that your natural creativity, intelligence, and zest for life has atrophied and withered since you were ten.
You did not "grow up." YOU HAVE BEEN CHEMICALLY MODIFIED, without your knowledge or consent, to ACT LIKE AN OLD PERSON. Your creativity is THERE. Your heart is THERE. For twenty-eight years, all people over the age of seven have had their highest desires SUBORDINATED constantly by an emission of mind-controlling paramecia (MCP) into the ozone, which occured on January 4, 1965.
You haven't heard about this accident. It's well enough that you shouldn't, for if the full details of the incident should come to light there would be WIDESPREAD RIOTING and MASS DESTRUCTION. Suffice it to say, for the moment, that you are NOT responsible for losing your happiness, your drive to joy, your soul.
Okay, okay. It began in June of 1964 in Plain Fields, Colorado. We will mention here that most of what occured is part of the public record (Greeley Intelligencer, June 64 through February 65) and you can certainly look it up for yourself. We don't suppose that you've ever heard of Dr. Adamil Kresshausen or the Bacteriological Research Institute of Colorado (BRIC).
Few people have. Dr. Kresshausen was involved in a secretly funded government project to create a new form of biological warfare. Under the guise of biochemical research for a leading drug manufacturer, Dr. Kresshausen experimented with injecting RNA fragments from various carnivores into paramecia. By applying these fragments along with selective use of X-rays, Kresshausen was able to create paramecia which were invulnerable to conventional sulfa drugs. Furthermore, these paramecia were only .0005 microns in length - much smaller than the average paramecium. So small, in fact, that they could not be detected with conventional microscopes.
When one of these paramecia is introduced into a laboratory animal, no side effects are visible for months. Then, slowly, the animal begins to become irritable, ill-tempered, and self-destructive.
The animal no longer eats, runs, or plays with the vigor that it used to. It prefers to eat unhealthy meals. In the case of a gerbil, it prefers to control the exercise wheel, and not let other gerbils share the wheel.
One thing was clear from these experiments: the RNA fragments themselves did not cause the personality change. It was, rather, the mammal's own immune system reaction that manifested the disturbances. Dr. Kresshausen postulated and later isolated the first antib-RNA (pronounced anti-barnee) cells in a laboratory animal.
From the South Central Colorado Journal of Medicine, 5:34-35:
"The data indicate that while the RNA fragments in themselves are not lethal, the immunodeficiency produced by their interaction with the subject can be psychosocially disabling. More study is required before the RNA agent can be considered for military applications."
Shortly after Dr. Kresshausen published this article, he disappeared. A five-line story in the Greeley Intelligencer (January 19, 1965, p. 14) indicated that he was missing.
No formal investigation was ever made.
It has, unfortunately, EVERYTHING to do with you. On every square centimeter of your skin, in your mouth and eyes are MILLIONS of these RNA paramecia, originally synthesized in a Colorado laboratory but escaped into the world, to replicate freely for nearly thirty years. The paramecia are airborne. They travel quickly.
Excepting the darkest regions of Antarctica, there is now no place in the world where you can go to remove yourself from this hideous pestilence. Neither soap nor Betadine is effective against these paramecia, which are too small to be affected by these conventional hygienic techniques.
Dr. Kresshausen's original notes have mysteriously vanished along with him. Until modern science can replicate the methods by which Dr. Kresshausen synthesized the original RNA fragments, there is little hope for containment or cure.
But it makes too much sense. Life, it seems to you, has a monotonous, dull, gray-on-black feel to it, doesn't it? You spend your days wanting something or someone to show you how to have FUN, but nothing ever happens, right? Food, sex, jokes, sleep, laughter, have all seemed to munge together into a vast milksop melange of tedium. Parties, sports, entertainment are all predictable and repetitive. You hate your job because people there are NOT LIKE YOU; you don't imagine that everyone ELSE feels the same pallid cover of alienation sticking to their bodies, like a coat of grease.
And so you've done what everyone else tries: you take a vacation. Get away from it all. But while you're burning your skin with carcinogenic rays on some beach, you can't get away from the feeling that you've ignored the important things, that you've missed the bus somehow, that all you've earned is a brief respite from the vapid to the meaningless.
This is NOT YOU. This is NOT YOUR LIFE. You are fun, intelligent, witty, desirable, creative. All these qualities have been sublimated by your own immune system, producing millions of antib-RNAs, hogging your life resources, spending your energy and vitality on these biological-disaster paramecia.
Two reasons. First, this immunological disease happens to EVERYBODY, between the ages of seven and ten. It progresses slowly. Assuming you don't die in a car crash or get shot in a convenience-store holdup, you will eventually die from it. The reason that more people don't go to their doctors is because everyone suffers from the same illness. You hate feeling lonely and empty and unsatisfied with the best years of your life, but who doesn't?
Actually, some people do go to their doctors, but the doctors don't recognize the symptoms because the symptoms occur in every living human over ten years old. It even occurs in the doctors themselves. People feel the pain and the lack of richness in their hearts, but the disease hasn't been described or studied. These people are labelled as hypochondriacs and are given several weeks' worth of useless psychoanalysis.
The second reason why no one has discovered this disease is because the paramecia themselves are so small and hardy. They cannot be stained. They cannot be seen under a light microscope. When examined under an electron microscope, they instantly decompose into stable, common elements, giving the impression that there was never any life there.
Your happiness has been taken from you. The conspiracy against you is a million tiny little semi-lives against your own peace and sanity.
That's the easy part.
You have to become a child again. You have to get back that easygoing wide-eyed simplicity that makes joy credible and happiness obvious. You have to relax, fundamentally and completely.
In other words, you have to totally eradicate all the antib-RNAs from the inside out. These antib-RNAs affect the way you behave. They affect your central nervous system. The only effective means of fighting them is to get control of your mind.
If you haven't met Him yet, we envy you. But the cure for your malady is a purple dinosaur. He lives, and He is the only scientifically proven method of eradicating the antib-RNA paramecia. He is your link with your childhood, your freedom, your happiness, your future.
Barney loves you. Accept this as the first, most fundamental fact, and all else follows, as easily as spring follows winter.
Barney is a big, friendly, beautiful purple dinosaur. You may have heard Him singing happily, on the radio or on television, to children. He especially likes children, because they are the ones who are most naturally free of the antib-RNA paramecia. Barney gives the little children presents, and games, and songs, and expects nothing in return. Barney works for free!
And the children love Barney. You can see it. Just plop down any self-respecting three-year-old in front of a picture tube and watch their beautiful smiles light up with recognition and love as the good Barney takes them through the regular schedule of merriment and fun.
Barney is the antithesis of crime and poverty and malnutrition and hopelessness. Barney makes no secret of this; you may have heard one of his more recent hits, "I Love You." In this masterwork, Barney tells us that we are indeed a happy family, and that we should combine our love and power, united, indivisible under Barney. How much better would the world be if we did this? How many nights of fear under the nuclear umbrella would vanish, like so many nightmares in the warm sun?
Barney's smile is the first thing you will see. The grin is ear-to-ear. His happiness permeates you like a golden ray of sunshine, filling you instantly with a feeling of goodwill and generosity. This is normal. Then you see Barney's eyes, round and full of kindness, reminding you of pleasant games and stories that you haven't thought of since you were just a tyke. And should you ever have the chance to hug Barney -- to fit in his warm, cuddly, loving, welcome-home embrace -- you will touch His soft purple pelt and suddenly cry at the realization that heaven is in fact on earth, that your petty concerns and hang-ups are meaningless next to the transfinite splendor of Barney.
Yes. And you need to love Him immediately.
Thugs on the street, with twenty-four gauge shotguns and cellar smiles, need to love Barney. Killer prostitutes with AIDS and heroin habits will see no salvation nor redemption without the love of Barney. Thick-pocketed politicians scam all day and fatten their bank accounts with your hard labor, and it will not change until the thousand-watt power of Barney bursts forth into their meager lives.
Barney contains the will, the plan, the FORCE to cleanse your nervous system of the vile antib-RNA paramecia. The thrilling shock, the immaculate ZAP of The Great Purple One coarsing through your spinal cord is enough to FRY THOSE PARAMECIA instantly. Want to LIVE FOREVER?
Oh, but Barney is for kids, right? Well. If you haven't danced the Cooperation Dance and if you haven't sung the Caring is Sharing song, you have not presumed to LIVE yet. You are middle-aged and dead on arrival, friend. You want, no, you REQUIRE an infusion of that purple thunder into your mind to free yourself from your self-conception! You need to be REBUILT in the image of the Perfect Purple!
You think Barney is kid's stuff? Well, less than one month ago, Barney Research Medical Laboratories perfected a technology by which children that have been recently killed in a traumatic accident have been brought back to life. Miracle? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was Barney's utter dedication to pushing the envelope in bioengineering research.
It is true that Barney can, and often does, exist in material form. However, Barney is ubiquitous, and Barney is forever.
If you take but one step towards Barney, Barney will take two steps toward you. If you are willing to honestly say, "Barney, I have not sang the 'I Love You' song," Barney will suddenly appear and lead you in a few bars. If you sing the "I Love You" song all by yourself, Barney will hear it ... and, even though He might be a thousand miles away, he will finish the verse in unison with you.
Barney has a vast unmapped network of minions, always surveying and scanning for people in pain, people in need, people affected gravely by the antib-RNA paramecia. Barney's minions are infused with the effervescent purple power of The Great One. If you reach out to Barney, chances are that a minion will be there to take your hand. If you want to describe to Barney how the antib-RNA has made you slowly sicken, describe it in detail to a minion, and the news will certainly filter up to the ever-loving Barney.
Because of this network of pure love, Barney can never be destroyed. How can you destroy love? How can you destroy beauty? How can you destroy a healthy snack?
Speak softly, and Barney will hear. Request instructions on how to be nice, to be healthy, to rid yourself of the antib-RNA, and they will be granted to you, with no reservations.
Barney loves you. Barney loves you more than any other quadruped on the planet does. Won't you say you love Him too?
If there is one thing in the world that Barney would like to do most of all, it is to destroy all antib-RNA. These are the tools of sadness, the genesis of pain in today's world. Barney Research Medical Laboratories have worked around the clock since 1985, ceaselessly pursuing a cure, against appalling technical and financial difficulties.
Barney wants to help you. Barney is giving his very existence to free you from this accelerated death process. Barney is giving himself to save you.
And Barney knows that every minute, every second is absolutely critical. He is working against the big red clock at Barney Research Medical Laboratories, the one that is ticking relentlessly toward a zero-hour on December 12, 2009. You think your life is bad now, don't you? You have no idea. You have absolutely no idea, yet.
We should warn you, first of all, that the future may not be what you imagine. Things in life often do not turn out the Hollywood way that we want them to, and when we know something bad will happen, we feel cheated or abused. Remember that while these predictions are absolutely true, they may be avoided.
The most usual, most constant natural catastrophes in the world are earthquakes. They kill thousands per year, usually in heavily populated areas. Scientists cannot predict them. They are relentless. Our understanding of the earth's crust and its movements are somewhat limited, because our deepest mine shafts run less than a kilometer deep. Scientists have no way of really knowing what's going on more than two miles beneath the earth's crust.
Recent earthquakes are a series of PLANNED ATTACKS on our civilization. The final one WILL COME ON DECEMBER 12, 2009, AT 0534 GMT. This will be a world-wide quake of magnitude 11.2 on the Richter scale. At least 24 million people will die instantly. No human-made structure larger than a doghouse will remain standing.
After this final attack, the Wuns will travel to the surface via a series of camouflaged tunnels into all major world cities. The Wuns are a race of half-human, half-rodent beings that were described four decades ago by Barney. They inhabit between three and five miles deep in the earth, above the mantle of magma, subtly manipulating the geological plates to cause maximal damage to buildings and people on the surface. For the past nine thousand years, their race has existed relatively peaceably. However, the random drifting of the antib-RNA into their society in the past twenty-five years has made them more aggressive and more predatory.
Barney is apparently aware of their social structure and even a little of their language, but he prefers not to talk about their existence, for fear of creating a panic.
And panic is the last thing you need to do right now.
Sure, and after the Quake you will be hunted down by the Wuns and imprisoned in the burning-hot caverns and worked to death. After you die, you will be recycled as food. You would probably prefer to have died in the Quake.
Barney can't protect you from the Quake. But he can protect you from the Wuns, when they come. The awesomely perfect power of Purple is enough to drive a whole horde of Wuns cringing and scurrying for cover.
If Barney Research Medical Laboratories fails to create an injectable form of the purple power of Barney by 2009, the antib-RNA infection will continue to spread and worsen in both the human and Wun populations. Assuming you survive the earthquake, you will need to defend yourself against the invading Wuns. It's possible that you may be able to stock up on guns, explosives, dried food, water, clothing, et cetera, to keep yourself and your family safe for a couple months.
But if you don't know Barney by 2009, you will eventually be consumed by the ravaging Wuns. Barney protects his own, and the rest will be lost in the ensuing Armageddon.
Barney Research Medical Laboratories has prepared a secret site in Nevada, far away from any mine shafts, for this final stand against the Wuns. Barney has stockpiled weapons and supplies. Barney has created a stable barracks with hundreds of seat-belted personal containment units for riding out the Quake. More important, He has designed and constructed an earthquake-proof hydroponics laboratory capable of indefinitely sustaining a colony of five thousand people.
After the Quake, people will be banging on the sole, reinforced two-foot steel door to the colony. But Barney will not open the door. He will shed a big purple tear for the lost souls outside, who could have loved Barney before the Quake, but chose not to. And He will rejoin his five thousand friends in the huge bunker, and sing a few songs, and eat healthy snacks from the hydroponics lab, and He will wait for the rebirth of the world. After a long, long time, Barney and these people will start the world's life over again.
Love Barney as much as He loves you. You must sing songs of praise to Barney. You must eat only heathy snacks.
Be like Barney in all things. Naturally, your teeth may not be as big as Barney's teeth. Barney understands this.
Share all your things. Cooperate. It is also important to pretend once in a while.
Buy Barney merchandise. If you do not have enough money to buy Barney merchandise, you can make your own out of paper plates, macaroni, glue, and a purple magic marker.
Don't pick your nose. Barney can't stand people who pick their noses.
Spread the good word of Barney. SPREAD THE PURPLE BOOK, to as many relatives, co-workers, and friends as possible. Barney will keep score for you. When you meet an enemy of Barney, give them The Purple Book and a healthy snack. You might make a new friend, and so might Barney!
If you feel the urge to eat an unhealthy snack, immediately contact your nearest minion. They will immediately bring you carrot sticks and milk.
To let Barney know that you are ready to join Him in the next millenium, just sing this happy song over and over, until Barney hears you:
"Blessed are the minions, for theirs is the kingdom of Purple. I will have carrot sticks and milk, and want not; for cheeseburgers and french fries are full of the antib-RNA. I prepareth for the great Quake, and The Purple One watcheth over me with the staff of Barney Research Medical Laboratories, and it is good. I believeth that caring is sharing, and vice versaeth; thy scepter of might shall smote the Wuns into small bits. For Barney is that which is Purple, and that which is not Purple, is not. Amen." [Play organ music here.]
"Hello! I think you're super-dee-duper! I want you to know that I love you. We are working very, very hard to save you! But working like this is very, very expensive. That means it costs a lot of money!
"Do you love me? I wish you would! I bet that if you loved me, that you would buy my merchandise! Merchandise means all the dolls and books and records that have me ... Barney! ... on them!
"If you don't love me, that's okay! But I don't know if I can protect you from the Wuns, then! Hyuck, hyuck!
"You are my very special friend. There's only one of you in this world. I would hate to let the Wuns get you. So let's be together all the time! I hope that you will be my friend, too!"
---Barney
Barney is life; antib-RNA is death.
Barney is capable of saving you from ultimate destruction from the mindless antib-RNA and from the evil Wuns. There is no protection, except the protection of Barney.
Barney would use his purple forces to make you join him, to save you against your will. But Barney wants you to join him, of your own free will, while you still have a free will.
Barney can rejuvenate you, give you hope, show you which snacks are healthy and which ones are not.
The facts are clear. Delay no longer.