Sorry for not writing much about myself these past few months. Introspection and observation has been hard enough; to do so publicly has been a little beyond my reach. It’s 6:17 a.m. and the sun hasn’t seen fit to appear yet.

I took Amanda to the airport this morning. Her father has gotten worse; the situation is not precisely clear but we hear that he’s in a great deal of pain, and her mother is extremely worried that he’s not willing to return to the hospital. Cancer is a whore.

I still am healing from when I hit the center divide in 2008. Chemicals help significantly, but the great love from friends and family has helped me more. I’m still resolving a lot of anger and sadness from that time — I wake up and process it with my morning coffee and Lexapro, and then head to work.

Work is finally picking up again. I had a key contract cancelled around the same time I went crazy, and times were lean. Fortunately, I was able to get it resigned, and I picked up where I had left off. My company’s first product, Silent Hill V, shipped, and the reviews for the sound were extremely positive.

Virago has entered production for The Hermit Bird and they’re trying like hell to wrestle a final draft out of me It’s fun to watch my story being made real by passionate artists.

New Years Eve was at my place this year. Amanda cooked a monster devil of a feast: black-eyed peas with ham and creme fraiche, jumbo shrimp with red pepper, garlic and lime; homemade mozzarella with insalata caprese; chocolate chip brioche with fresh fruit; and a dangerous champagne punch with cognac, Grand Marnier and Triple Sec. All my life, the majority of my close friends have been women, and this New Year’s Eve was no exception. Our house was filled with fairly stunning sweet people.

Friday eve: knitting party at Angela’s. Angela, Karen, Amanda and I squashed onto a big cozy bed, and we all watched Jane Austen and knitted. Well they knitted. I dozed in and out of consciousness, warm as an onion in a stew.

I rather lost faith in humanity for a while. Over the past few months I have made some awesome new friends who have given me a great deal of love and support as I’ve come back to life in progress. The majority of people in the world is good.

Bear with me.

Everything we write on the Internet stays there forever, and so future employers and such can take that information and draw of it whatever they wish. It’s common knowledge that employers and businesspeople “research” potential employees and such. So if I write as I’m doing now, this writing today may be an inconvenience to the me of the future.

Despite that, I realize there are probably others who are or will be suicidal. Maybe even you. And me talking publicly about my experience might help you avoid a fate like mine, or worse. Your possible benefits outweigh my possible inconveniences. So I’ll talk as publicly as I can about it.

About six months ago I went through a unique period of major depression, and I ended up receiving a bunch of hospitalization and drugs. There was nothing romantic about it. It was a long ugly slog. It disrupted my work and personal life, and it was definitely the most painful experience of my life so far.

Suicidal intent is extremely dangerous. Suicide was the eleventh leading cause of death in the U.S. in 2005. Ninety percent of people who commit suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric illness at the time of death. Over 60% of all people who die by suicide suffer from major depression. About 75% of suicidal people will visit a physician within the month before they kill themselves. Over 90% of suicide attempts with guns are fatal.

Suicidal ideation is usually not a manipulation for attention. A person who appears suicidal should not be left alone and needs immediate mental-health treatment.

Unfortunately, psych wards (at least under our HMO-sponsored health care system) are horrible, horrible places that just as easily make you crazier than when you go in. If you’re suicidal, you need a psychiatrist. The modern SSRI drugs can be pretty neato. They don’t pollute your soul or change you into someone that you’re not.

There is at least one gang kid in Long Beach who has “5150” tattooed on his back. This kid is a poseur. It’s not nearly as cool as Eddie Van Halen makes it out to be.

When you feel suicidal you can feel incredibly ashamed of yourself, and you feel that no one could possibly understand the feelings you’re going through. And it’s extremely hard to ask for or find help. In these cases, as embarrassing or as painful as it is, you gotta go through the medical system and get help. And you must, must, must know that other people have been through it, as bad as you’re having it now, and it can get better.

California gun control laws and the permit system therein are both Good Things. It’s hard to buy a gun here, and it should be thus. Really, people who hunt should have access to guns, and that’s about it. Guns should not just be laying about any house.

The vast majority of my friends were extremely, extremely loving and supportive to me when I went onto the rocks. Many of them didn’t understand what was going on inside my head, but they were there for me nonetheless. I cannot begin to describe what a great and significant help my friends and family were, when the abyss was most wide. Their support very likely saved my life. A handful of friends didn’t get it. A handful of business acquaintances didn’t get it. I can’t really blame them and I don’t judge them for that.

I’m still not whole yet. But that’s OK. I’m working again, and I’m writing here and there, and behaving like I used to.

I’m stronger in some ways than I was before. I have a lot more sympathy for people who are crazy — I see fewer differences between themselves and me. I’m more appreciative of my friends than I’ve ever been. And now, at long last, I’m finally starting to perceive all the really awesome earth-bound experiences and people I never would have known.

Alan Bennett, as King George: “I have always been myself, even when I was ill. Only now I seem myself. That’s the important thing. I have remembered how to seem.”

Anyway, I’m sorry to have been absent for a few months. It’s good to see you again.

The first paragraph of the President Elect’s radio address this week:

Good morning. Yesterday, we received another painful reminder of the serious economic challenge our country is facing when we learned that 533,000 jobs were lost in November alone, the single worst month of job loss in over three decades. That puts the total number of jobs lost in this recession at nearly 2 million.

The first paragraph of the President’s radio address this week:

Good morning. This weekend I’m attending the Army-Navy game in Philadelphia, and I’m looking forward to a great day of college football. But more importantly, I’m looking forward to spending time with the brave men and women of the United States military.

On November 4, Californians will vote on Proposition 8. The text of Proposition 8 is: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid and recognized in California.” The purpose of the proposition is to make same-sex marriage illegal here.

The Orange County Register published a database of donors both for and against the Prop 8 cause. By searching this database, you can learn who is financing this campaign against same-sex marriage.

Some examples. The National Organization for Marriage, based out of Santa Ana, has donated $1.4 million in a bunch of small pieces. The National Organization of Marriage’s money is mostly pass-through donations. The Knights of Columbus has donated $1,000,000, plus $250,000 under the cover of National Organization for Marriage. This is a Catholic fraternal benefit society with a strong pro-life slant. The neo-conservative, pro-war John Templeton Jr. apparently gave three donations of $450,000 each, under the NOM cover and directly. The ultra-conservative Christian recluse Howard Ahmanson, Jr. donated $900,000, under the title of his Fieldstead and Co. society name. He has donated to numerous political candidates and organizations associated with the United States Republican Party. Some of his donations have been returned because of his views and associations. Ahmanson’s wife was once a reporter at the highly conservative Orange County Register.

Examine and research the database yourself in order to learn more about who’s paying for this initiative.

This picture is from Tommy’s highfaluting video game party. I’m getting checked from all sides, and one girl is checking my ass. The frightening old man getting ignored happens to be Nolan Bushnell. And Nolan is the guy who invented video games. Leonardo diCaprio is going to play Nolan in an upcoming film. I didn’t invent video games, but geek girls apparently prefer to check my ass over Nolan’s. Shit, I could play Nolan. Clicky for biggy.