Kimi ni kondo au hi no tame ni

Before Narita was home to a vast international airport, it was home to a shrine and a series of low-ceilinged tourist shops. This particular restaurant is hundreds of years old. Eel is in season here. It’s rich and fragrant, almost the consistency of butter. Call it unagi.

“Yellow lace,” Haba-san says to me, scarfing up a piece of unagi. Yoshimi, his new girlfriend, nods and smiles. “You know, in Japan we have only yellow lace, really.”

“I’m surprised,” I say. “In America, we have all colors of lace. Black, red, blue.”

Haba-san coughs on his unagi. “Blue lace?!” he grunts. “I don’t think you have blue lace there. You are laughing at me.”

Outside the door, two cats growl and grumble guttural threats at one another. A delicate old lady pads up, her slippers scuffing on the hot pavement, and she utters a syllable. The cats spring and scatter like water.

I consider trying to explain the word “catcalling” to Haba-san, but decide against it.

“Actually, we mostly have the white race in the United States,” I say. “Some black, some red, though.”

“Yah, I know,” said Haba-san. I wondered what he thought I thought.

Or should we blame the images on TV?

They’re fifteen, sixteen at best. The pudgy girl wears a pink flippy skirt. The guy wears a tight red T and has smudges of facial hair. Both of them have fancy cigarette cases. The guy stubs out the cigarette in a coffee cup and mumbles to the girl. The girl shrugs and takes a drag.

The jukebox in the corner of the coffee shop randomly starts. Slash lays down the opening riff to “Sweet Child of Mine.”

To my right, the college girls munch sandwiches and sip large cartons of chocolate milk through soda straws. Sisters? Friends? My French is too uncertain to be certain.

Expecting traffic, I left the hotel this morning an hour early. There was no rush hour. Here in Montreal, there are also coffee shops everywhere, but there isn’t the type-B slow caffeine panic that pervades the urine-smelling streets of San Francisco.

The college girls light up, grinning and conspiring. Smoking and speaking French seem to go hand-in-hand here. If I did either, this might be a nice place to live.

I get a whiff of cigarette smoke. Should I rewrite the problematic clause in this contract or rewrite the problematic scene in my play? Another cup of decaf and then I’ll decide.

Good morning campers, I’m your uncle Ernie

I’m attending a party at Tommy Tallarico’s mansion in San Juan Capistrano. I meet Tommy’s father, a round, stocky, grinning Italian named Tom.

“Your son has told me some stories about you,” I said. “He told me that you handle collections on game developers for him.”

“Yah, I do that,” said Tom, nodding. Somebody jumped in the pool with a splash.

“So tell me,” I said, swirling my glass of Chardonnay. “What’s the best way to handle customers who don’t pay?”

“Ah,” he said, touching me on the arm. “That case, you write ’em an invoice. Always gotta do the paperwork, you know. You send ’em the invoice. Fax it to ’em. You know?”

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s say they don’t pay up then. What do you do?”

“Ah. That case, you give ’em a call. Real polite. You say, I’m just calling in to check the status of the payment. And I’m calling you to understand the status of that. You give ’em thirty days. Sometimes they can make a mistake. So I give ’em every chance.”

“All right,” I said. “Let’s say the customer still doesn’t pay. What now?”

“Ah well. That case, you give ’em thirty more days. And you send another copy of the invoice. Fax it to ’em. And you give ’em a call and you ask, what’s the status of this payment? Real patient, real calm, you ask ’em. You know?”

“I don’t get it,” I said. “You have this reputation for being Tommy’s strong-arm.”

“Yeah, he’s a real nice boy, he can get walked all over,” said Tom. “But ya know, a polite way, that’s the best way to take the collections. Most of the people want to pay ya for services rendered. And I just keep asking ’em, real nice, ya see. And eventually, the deadbeat sons-a-bitches get the fuckin’ clue.”

There ain’t no words for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder

San Diego Civic Center, the intermission of Hairspray, over the balcony at the mezzanine level. The audience members idly ogle one another on multiple stories, a sort of mellow confluence of hardcore people watchers. Bruce Vilanch’s topical one-liners and masterful comic timing kept up audience interest. I’m all for fresh and fruity entertainment ?- hell, I write it from time to time — but this particular touring production felt forced and tired.

The sunset of Del Mar, as filtered through a glass of Grgich Hills, is not intended to be viewed by solitary businessmen. Too bad you’re not with me tonight.

It will be about a man who’s torn in half

Hi Robert,

I have completed a first draft of my first full-length play. I have done two quick table readings with other actors reading multiple parts and I think it scans well.

I intend to sit on the script for at least a week and do nothing with it. The week after that, I intend to rewrite the problematic scenes. After that I will give you a couple copies.

The script that I pass to you will not be the script that we produce. The next step for me will be a private, friends-only reading, at my house in San Bruno, most likely some time in August. There will be another rewrite after that.

The script checks in at 83 pages and is currently cut into 3 acts. Once I see how it plays during a full table reading, I may recut it into two acts.

It?s good. I want to make it better.

I know my mind is made up, so put away your make up

Today’s going rate for orgasm: $70.

So the scuttlebutt was that Eldon had a little side business providing outcall sexual services. Someone had even seen an ad in the back of Bay Area Reporter with a grainy picture that looked a little like Eldon, but nobody had the guts to ask him directly whether he was a prostitute. So last night Bill forwards me the following explanation:

ok…after our little conversation last night (i’ll always cherish that…burp…tequila….) i decided to do a little investigating on my own concerning eldon. so in my drunken stupor when i arrive home, i aquired a new e-mail address and sent him an e-mail asking for info on his services. so below is the response he sent back to me.

---

From: Eldon [[email protected]]

I charge 70-  a session for sensual erotic touch to orgasm
massage   I can get relatively sexual within reason.. ( It
all depends)  I live alone on Mission Dolores district of
Sf..  I can be reached at   415-xxx-xxxx or cell is xxx
xxxx  Eldon here. 
---

No word yet on whether Bill actually purchased the it-all-depends massage.

We’ll move out of the shelter, buy a big house and live in the suburbs

The Pacific shimmers a radiant electric blue and the wind rustles our hair. Crystal has put the top down on the red Nissan 350Z roadster. The engine sings a sweet harmonic note as we trace the tight curves of the Pacific Coast Highway.

“Speed under control,” she says to me, her dark sunglasses reflecting the horizon. The bare skin on her shoulders is the color of vanilla ice cream. “You learn how fast you can push it. I had this Yamaha R6 for a time; I took it to Laguna Seca. There’s nothing like hitting a curve at seventy and feeling the bike respond underneath you.”

In the meadow to our right, stud horses stand in uffish thought, meditating upon the silver-white waters below them. We fly past them like wind.

“I did love Anthony at one time,” she said. “I was in Reykjavik, he was in Boston. We kept in touch with e-mails and Internet chat messages. I didn’t speak the language. And through the ones and zeros I found a sympathetic voice. We wrote to one another. First it was once a day… ‘how’s your day been’ and that sort of trivia. Then we started to discuss our favorite books, our philosophies, our childhood memories, and ultimately, our darkest sexual fantasies.”

“Hey, watch –” I said. A rental truck whooshed by, swerving a little. Crystal had veered into the left lane. Crystal gave me a look of subtle reproach, then continued.

“Three years after I was married to him, I met Blaine. He worked in the cubicle next to mine. With him, in person I felt something I never felt with Anthony. I knew we were going quickly, but it was my choice to do so.”

Coyote brush, sage scrub, strawberries, roses; a thousand scents pass us in a microsecond. Crystal checks her rear view mirror and gently touches the accelerator. The tachometer tweaks and the engine changes key.

“I broke up with Blaine in April. He had already decided to divorce his wife. Monday mornings, I see him at the coffee maker and nod politely. We’re civil to one another. I don’t regret anything and neither does he. The break was a clean one.”

I decided to change the subject. “Do you still ride your bike?” I asked.

“I crashed my bike a few months ago. Took a turn at Thunderhill a little too fast. A fracture in my ankle. It swelled up larger than my kneecap. I couldn’t walk for a few weeks after that. But you know something, John?”

Crystal kicked the accelerator and the little car howled like a nest of bees: ninety, one hundred. An indicator on the tachometer flashed.

Crystal dropped her sunglasses and showed me her dark eyes. “You have to push it,” she said, smiling gently at me. “You have to learn what’s possible and what’s not.”

Fate should have made you a gentleman’s wife

Amanda has a supersweet languorous smile, and conversations always stall when she enters a room. She has laser-beam hazel-green eyes, full of attention and sense; whatever they focus on warms perceptibly. Her hair, long and soft, is a living part of her body, and she flicks and flows it like a filly flirts with her mane. At night, when my renegade brain ticks away, unsolving and unresolving dilemmas of money and unwork, there’s always the warm flesh of Amanda, spooning against my back and touching me, holding me. She calms me, addresses me, makes me sane.

Amanda, Mandy to friends, is far smarter than you or I. If I’ve lost something about the house, my wallet or my guitar capo or my open can of soda, I’ll ask her, and her terabit brain ticks for a picosecond and she says, “Why, on top of the mantle, sweetie,” and there my wallet or my guitar capo or my open can of soda will be. Her ability to do this, repeatedly and perfectly, gives me no end of cheap entertainment. It’s the perfect parlor trick.

Mandy sings, only for me, in a copper-plated alto. Unlike me, she remembers all the words to any song, and we’ll sometimes spend Saturday nights on the couch, with my guitar eviscerating random rock songs, and Mandy will plug into her vast mental library of throwaway-music lyrics, and we’ll joyously and raucously sing for an hour or two. Our great friendship smoothes the rumpled folds of our bed sheets, and so I consider our California king-size a place of refuge, or a nest. With a glass or two of cheap Merlot in her, she’ll forget to forget, and she can see her own sultriness reflected in my shining eyes.

She tells gentle blue jokes, twisting her tongue to the side of her ample lips in a punctuation mark of irony. I have never, in my fourteen years of association with her, known her to be spiteful or cruel to any living thing. She is a fine wife, a gentle and sweet and intelligent wife. I love my wife; more than that, I like her.

Sunday morning is everyday for all I care

I woke up early this morning, made a pot of coffee for myself and the wife, and had an old Southern drama for breakfast. In the intro, Thomas Lanier Williams wrote: “Personal lyricism is the outcry of prisoner to prisoner from the cell in solitary where each is confined for the duration of his life.”

Very rarely, very randomly, like one monkey of the seven hundred kissed by a muse, I can also vomit up the dark truth.

The truth is Coffee. Any of you theater types want to have a go at it?

She take me money and run Venezuela

VCR alert: Word is that the Tilda sketch went over very well. Set your VCR to watch SUTN this Saturday night (June 13 2004) at 1:00 a.m., KBHK, channel UPN 44, Bay area Cable 12.

Also, I wrote the final sketch of the season. Come by the KPIX studio at 855 Battery Street in beautiful foggy San Francisco, this Sunday evening, June 13 2004 at 8:00 p.m., to watch the sketch live, and laugh loudly. Free free free tickets here! Live television audience woo yay!