I will be there just as soon as I can

Nurn, my father-in-law, walks down the corridor of the Assisted Living Center with us. He has prepared us, told us: there’s not a lot of Grammy left to visit. She is frequently disoriented. We walk by a dwarfish, toothless woman spouting random syllables, a thin little asexual bag of a person slumped to one side of a chair, and a nurse with a tray of little cups of pills.

“Where is she?” I ask.

“There,” says Nurn, pointing at the person we just passed. “That is my mother. I didn’t recognize her.”

Rabbi Goldberg turned and pointed at the wall behind him. The text of the letters were two stories high, gold plated on the side of the chapel. “And now, let us speak the words that have given comfort for thousands of years.”

“Should we just let her sleep?” my wife asks.

“Perhaps,” says Nurn.

The nurse walks by, sees us gawking. “Rose! Rose Kalikow! You have visitors!” She turns to us, a half smile. “She’s a little hard of hearing.”

“We know,” says Nurn.

Grammy Rose’s milky eyes open. Her hands are thin, twisted leather gloves. One hand is wrapped around a walker. Inside the basket of the walker is a photograph cube covered with baby pictures of her children and grandchildren, faded to pastel shades by decades of light.

The rabbi intoned, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

“Hello, Mother,” says Nurn. He kisses her. My wife and I do the same.

“Oh my, hello. Oh,” she says, grinding slowly awake. “Oh, where are we going?”

“We’re not going anywhere,” says Nurn.

“Oh, it’s lovely to see you, dear,” says Grammy. “And Jodie,” she says, touching my wife’s face. “Jodie, you are here. Oh, my cup runneth over.”

“I’m Mandy,” says my wife.

“Yes,” says Grammy smiling. “Jodie. You are so beautiful. Where are we going?”

“We came here to see you,” says Nurn.

The congregation joined in, quietly. The rabbi spoke, “He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.”

Grammy smiles. “Well. Now. We have to celebrate!”

We all laugh. My wife says, “Yes, I think that’s a great idea.”

Grammy says, “Let’s go out and have some ice cream.”

Nurn says, “You want some ice cream, Mom?”

Grammy pauses.

All the eyes in the room traced the words on the wall. The voices were subdued. “He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”

Nurn says, “I’ll go get her some ice cream.” My wife goes with him. I see them talking to the hospice nurse.

I hold Grammy’s hand and smile at her. “Oh, hello. My boy. To be visited by my son…” She touches my face. “My cup runneth over. That’s all I can say.”

The rabbi recited, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

I say nothing and smile.

Grammy says, “All the people here, let me tell you. At this place. They never get visitors. No one visits them. But to be surrounded with your family. To have your loved ones with you. I have only one thing to say.”

The rabbi said, “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil.”

Grammy says, “My cup runneth over. That’s all I have to say. Now what are you studying?”

I smile. “The piano,” I say.

Grammy says, “Oh, I love the piano. My children. They are so talented.”

Nurn returns. He has a small styrofoam cup. He yanks off the cardboard top and spoons out some chocolate ice cream. He feeds it to his mother, who smiles. After a few bites she takes the ice cream and feeds herself a few more bites. Then Nurn takes the ice cream and finishes it himself. I take the empty cup and spoon.

Grammy looks up and says, “Let’s have some lobster!”

We laugh. “Yes, let’s!”

The rabbi nodded and said, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” I stepped forward, around the pew, to the center aisle.

“I’ll come see you later,” says Nurn. I kiss Grammy again.

“Ah, it’s lovely,” says Grammy. “My cup runneth over. That’s all I can say.”

We walk down the hall. As we enter the elevator, Nurn tells us, “I’ve spoken with the hospice nurse. It will be painless.”

The star of David was on the center of the box. It was unsanded, rough beneath my palm. Five men joined me and placed their hands on the box as well.

As we leave the Assisted Living Center, for some reason I still have the wooden spoon in my hand.

Better than watching Geller bending silver spoons

               EXT. EXPENSIVE COMPANY PARTY - NIGHT

               A small concert stage in Los Angeles, being rocked by Jimmy
               Eat World.  Well-dressed white folks sway and boogie as
               searchlights fill the sky.  

                                   JIMMY EAT WORLD
                         Next up, we have!  From Incubus! 
                         Brandon Boyd!

               Kimberly screams and jumps up and down as a hard-rock din
               cuts through the crowd.

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Oh my god!  Oh yes!  Brandon!  He
                         is so hot!

               Kimberly bumps into John.  John smiles.

                                   KIMBERLY
                         'Scuse me!  Oh my god he is hot!

                                   JOHN
                         What?

                                   KIMBERLY
                         He is hot!

                                   JOHN
                         Who!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Brandon!  Brandon Boyd!

                                   JOHN
                         Who's he?

                                  KIMBERLY
                         The singer!  Incubus!  He's hot!  I
                         would totally kiss him!

                                   JOHN
                         I wouldn't!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         Yeah, he's hot!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         I'm Kimberly Antonym, what's your
                         name!

                                   JOHN
                         John!

                                  KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         John!  John Pseudonym!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Good British name!  Which booth are
                         you in!

                                   JOHN
                         I'm not in any booth!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         I'm not in any booth!  I just
                         wander the show floor and meet my
                         friends and talk to them!  I
                         mingle!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         I mingle!

               Kimberly smiles.

                                   KIMBERLY
                         I work for the trade show!  I'm an
                         account exhibit manager!  I work in
                         West Hall!

                                   JOHN
                         What!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         West Hall!  West Hall!

                                   JOHN
                         Yeah, West Hall!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         I hope you don't mind that I said
                         he was hot!  I'm just being honest!

                                   JOHN
                         No, he is hot!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Yeah!

                                   JOHN
                         Okay, I'd kiss him!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         I agree, he is hot!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Did you say you'd kiss him?

                                   JOHN
                         No!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Yes, you did!

                                  JOHN
                         I was joking!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Here, have a drink!

               John takes a swig from a tumbler.

                                   JOHN
                         Jeez, what is that?

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Vodka and Coke!

                                   JOHN
                         What!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Vodka and Coke!

               John smiles and nods.

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Oh my god!

                                   JOHN
                         What!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         You have totally great teeth!

                                   JOHN
                         Thanks!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         I mean, your teeth are so straight! 
                         Wow!

                                   JOHN
                         Thanks!  I try!

               Kimberly takes a swig of vodka.

                                  KIMBERLY
                         I would totally go to bed with him!

                                   JOHN
                         Yeah!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Yeah, he's hot!

                                   JOHN
                         That fact is established!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         I understand!  You'd totally go to
                         bed with him!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         I would totally go to bed with him!

                                   JOHN
                         And when you're saying you'd go to
                         bed with him, you really mean,
                         you'd go to bed with me, right!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Yeah!

                                   JOHN
                         So you're asking me to go to bed
                         with you!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         You're asking me to go to bed with
                         you!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         Yeah!

                                   JOHN
                         Why!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         'Cause you're hot!  I'm just being
                         honest!

                                   JOHN
                         I'm married!  Happily married!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         What!

                                   JOHN
                         I'm married!

                                   KIMBERLY
                         You said you were single!

                                   JOHN
                         What!


We’ve got thrills and shocks, supersonic fighting cocks

At the Summer Consumer Electronics Show in 1994, one particular SNES title on the show floor was being completely ignored, and I had the chance to examine it in some detail.

That SNES title was “The Flintstones: Treasure of Sierra Madrock.” Heck, you remember that one, don’t you?

Or maybe you don’t. Around 1994 there was a huge surplus of mediocre me-too licensed games built around similar recycled 2-D scroller engines for the SNES and the Sega Genesis. The 1994 Summer CES show floor had plenty of them. The basic game play mechanic was well known: you are the licensed character, you run to the right, you jump, you have a short-ranged attack, and you pick up powerups which give you ranged attacks. Bad guys move in predictable patterns except for a boss at the end of the level.

The designers of “Treasure of Sierra Madrock” did not require deep knowledge of their previous title, “The Flintstones,” in order to enjoy their new work. You jumped over the rocks, you punched the snakes.

Anyway, I had no competition on the CES show floor to play “The Flintstones: Treasure of Sierra Madrock.”

Everyone else was playing 3DO. In 1994 the 3-D revolution hit the industry like a tsunami and the sidescrollers all washed away. With the launch of the 3DO and the Jaguar in 1993, then the PlayStation in 1994, the 2-D scroller game mechanic got very dead very quickly.

Fast forward to the Mongolian cluster fuck of E3 2005. Between meetings, I wandered the West and South Hall and I did my level best to ignore the tits and the subwoofers. And truth be told, there were a handful of shockingly beautiful games out there.

This E3 2005 will be remembered as The E3 That We Decided In Our Hearts To Buy An HDTV. In particular, Top Spin 2, an Xbox 360 title by Indie Built, stood out as a tennis title with some great attention to shadows and character detail. Also on Xbox 360, Activision’s Call of Duty 2, done by Infinity Ward, got their building and sky textures just right in the demo level, and the result was a first-person shooter that will sell next-gen systems.

In the PS2 department, Capcom’s Clover Studio showed Okami, a stylized “nature adventure” that incorporates elements of Japanese calligraphy with an updated Viewtiful Joe engine. You take control of a sun god, embodied in a wolf. You can call down spells, painted on the screen by a vast Japanese brush as time is frozen; leaves and blades of grass flicker brilliantly about you. Beautiful. Won’t sell, but it’s still beautiful.

Around a third or so of the titles on the E3 2005 show floor fell into a category that we will refer to as the Formula. The Formula involves putting your licensed protagonist character in a third-person perspective view, Mario World style, and letting him wander around outdoors. He has a short-range attack that he uses against the bad guys, and he has a long range attack that typically works with short-term powerups, and the camera floats behind his head like a balloon on a leash.

There are several technical problems with the Formula. First, you will notice that, due to the camera angle in the Formula, we constantly look down on the protagonist from the ceiling, a few feet behind the character. This means that the majority of screen real estate is taken up by the ground. And the ground is in severe perspective, so unless you do some fantastic mipmapping tricks or procedural texturing, either your ground looks pixellated, or your world is small. You have to get your memory from somewhere. Second, the camera always seems to want to do the wrong thing in a Formula game. Typically it drags along behind the character until some bad guys come along, at which point it hops back to get the bad guys into frame. Going around corners or reversing directions during a fight sequence typically causes camera conniptions.

Those issues are surmountable, but this one is not: at E3 2005, there were just too many games that depended too heavily on the Formula.

PS3 and Xbox 360, supporting HDTV and HD-DVD, are coming out within a year. And as of this writing there is a bunch of licensed games for the old platforms that follow the Formula.

It’s Summer CES 1994 all over again.

Supply and demand will sort this out. I suggest that, come E3 2008, you will see very few Formula games on the show floor. Something better is coming.

And all your money won’t another minute buy

Pebble Beach, California, overlooking the most famous golf hole in the world. I’m sitting on the second floor of Club XIX. I’m nursing a Jack Daniels, eating beer nuts and wondering where the pebbles are. A seagull frets up and down the railing, eyeing my munchies. The sun will set in an hour and thirteen minutes.

I’ve carefully timed the last four foursomes. It takes twenty-one minutes, give or take three minutes, for a foursome to complete the eighteenth hole. There are some low fences and threatening-looking signs around the hole, but all the guards are on the other side of the hotel. No visible security to speak of.

My plan will succeed.

I have researched carefully the means of disposition of ashes after cremation. Although cremated human remains are typically ground to a fine consistency, the ash is particulate. Human ash is the color of bone; it consists primarily of small bone fragments. It is heavier than air, and thus it will not dissipate into the air if tossed. I have been warned specifically of this in advance, and I have accounted for it in my plan.

The guys in the foursome — well-dressed, male, middle-aged, clearly on corporate juice — pat each other on the back. I present a low-wattage smile to them, step over the fence and stride nonchalantly to the thick old tree on the fairway of the eighteenth hole. The tree is ringed by a small, hard border of compact yellow sandstone.

I pull the jar from my jacket pocket. I open it and hold it reverently. “Thanks, Papa,” I say, and I spread a tablespoon of ash onto the ground beneath me —

I look down. Now there is a light, but visible, smudge of white ash on the border of the sandstone.

If I spread all of Papa’s ashes where I stand, I’m going to make a mess. I close the jar.

I look down the course. Another foursome is about a hundred yards away and looking at me curiously.

Plan B.

The ocean. The ashes go into the ocean.

I walk to the ocean’s edge. The sky is steel gray, overcast, with hints of green and red sunset asserting themselves. I hear a golf ball bounce somewhere behind my head.

I open the jar and hold it reverently. “Thanks, Papa,” I say. I rear back and fling the contents toward the water, as hard as I can —

And the ash explodes into a great white dragon fireball! It jumps into the wind above me and rolls majestically down the course!

Well.

As I walk off the course I stop to fill the empty jar with sand from one of the sand traps. I have no idea why I do this, but it seems necessary. There are no pebbles at Pebble Beach. I went back to the car and cried a little. Los Angeles is only two hundred miles away. Hell, I can make it there tonight.

I can’t remember anything, can’t tell if this is true or dream

Hi! Thanks for reading my Craigslist personals ad. It makes me happy, that you are reading it, right now.

I am 6’3″, well-built, hazel eyes. What I am looking for is a woman. Basically, any woman will do, but ideally I am looking for a woman who also happens to be female. In principle she should also have been female all her life. But that is negotiable. I will understand if that is not the case with you. And I will support you in this.

I love long walks on the beach. I will appreciate and love you for who you really are. Even if you are a tad overweight.

Forgive me. I beg of you, my dearest, my most beautiful woman, do forgive me. I did not mean to imply that you were a blubber butt. Your butt is quite fine indeed. And I love you, for your butt, among other things.

Actually, it was a lie to say that I am well-built. In truth, I have no appendages. I lost them all in a high-stakes game of canasta. If I grow to trust you, I will tell you all about it. But we will not speak of it until then.

The part about me being 6’3″ was a lie as well. Actually, without my appendages I am 3’6″. But what does size matter? Nothing, if love is truly present in a relationship.

I have constructed a motorized device that permits me to navigate the beach without exerting myself unduly. The device consists of pneumatic drive units, including air-enabled crutches, that permit me to move with extraordinary efficiency, at speeds up to forty miles per hour.

I am typing this entirely with my tongue. I have a special keyboard that is coated entirely with Saran Wrap. I will never require you to clean this keyboard for me. I have people to do that.

However! My reproductive organs are highly functional. I have tested them thoroughly and am assured of their quality. You may be convinced that my reproductive organs are in great shape and will work as expected, when you need them to, where you need them to.

Ideally, you are a short woman. We will look better in photos if you are no more than 3’4″. But if you are a tall woman, I will understand and accept your freakish height, with unconditional love.

I collect dead spiders and keep them in jars in my closet. Hopefully you will not mind that. The spiders are dead. They will not bother anybody. Least of all you… my dearest.

You are the right woman for me. And you know that I know that you know that you are the right woman for me.

I require periodic turning to alleviate these festering bedsores. And my soul is yours, for the asking.

In related news, johnbyrd.org just passed 25,000 visits. Thanks, Mom!

And sometimes when it’s breezy I feel a little sneezy

Another funeral, today, for Justin Weiss. The room was full of friends and students. First funeral I’ve ever attended in which people laughed.

Sandy prepared a shrine for Justin: a five-card straight flush, several New York Times crosswords done in pen, golf clubs, a Jack Daniels gift box, a folded American flag.

They gave me a clear plastic jar with a red screw top. Inside that jar is the most valuable thing ever to enter my possession.

Now, I have a delivery to make.

But first, tomorrow, we catch a plane back to San Francisco.

I close my eyes only for a moment and the moment’s gone

Marcus Aurelius, old dead guy: “Lucilla saw Verus die, and then Lucilla died. Secunda saw Maximus die, and then Secunda died. Epitynchanus saw Diotimus die, and Epitynchanus died. Antoninus saw Faustina die, and then Antoninus died. Such is everything. Celer saw Hadrian die, and then Celer died. And those sharp-witted men, either seers or men inflated with pride, where are they? For instance the sharp-witted men, Charax and Demetrius the Platonist and Eudaemon, and any one else like them. All ephemeral, dead long ago. Some indeed have not been remembered even for a short time, and others have become the heroes of fables, and again others have disappeared even from fables. Remember this then, that this little compound, thyself, must either be dissolved, or thy poor breath must be extinguished, or be removed and placed elsewhere. […] Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.”

At five p.m. today the wife called and told me that Dr. Justin Weiss was gone. The family was all there, in room 2222. During my vigil, Papa’s brows were knotted through the wee hours into the morning light, but today his white face was smooth and calm. Sandy passed around shots of Maker’s Mark and joshed with us. I understood; it was what he would have wanted. The family talked and cried and laughed and talked. I touched his hand and his forehead and wished him a good journey to whatever hereafter is his destiny.

Both of my wife’s grandfathers died within the same week.

We don’t have to resort to souls to exist beyond death. Those who have died influence the living through our collective memories. We remember what they said and wrote and did, and those memories influence our current life choices. We read the completed lives of the dead, and we, the living, grow and change. Memory is life.

These are the essences of immortality and of souls, as I perceive them.

So here, then, is the continued life that I grant Papa:

From Papa I learned to take personal embarrassment as a source of amusement. From him I learned that poker is a good way to kill time with other men. From him I learned that it is OK to go to a shrink even if you are mentally healthy.

From Papa I learned that it is best to e-mail dirty jokes to as many people as possible.

From Papa I learned that your relationship with your parents determines much of your psychosocial lot in life. From Papa I learned that alcohol can be fun. From Papa I learned not to brag about academic accomplishments, and to be on good terms with as many people as possible, and to live a life of indulgence to the greater purpose of joy and not to self-destruction.