“I been away a long time.”

The last line of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, as Chief Bromden escapes the hospital

After Amanda (now Andie) left, my world disintegrated. I screamed through that empty house, looking for her, but of course she had vanished instantly, never to be seen again. I was locked down for a week, until I was no longer deemed a threat to myself. A job fell into my lap, so I took it, and did it mostly on autopilot.

I stopped playing music, and I stopped writing. I retreated into myself.

It took me years to realize what I fundamentally had been doing wrong, all this time.

I was lying, in order to protect my wife’s feelings.

So, I stopped lying, completely and totally. I adopted a worldwide policy of 100% radical honesty, consequences be damned.

The consequences of that honesty have been far-reaching and profound. Apparently, the “real” me is incredibly intolerant of abuse, at work and elsewhere. I’m also apparently much more extravagant in speech, and much more emotional, than I believed myself to be. I also tell anyone who’s interested in dating me, that I’m polyamorous.

I’ve stopped slowing my brain down, for the comfort of those around me. For the first time in my life, I simply allow myself to say, what previously could not be said.

Nothing hits quite like the truth. I’ve lost a few friends, and made a few as well.

But — thank Jebus — I’ve started writing and I’ve started making music again. I shut up like a scared dove when Amanda left, and it’s been years, but finally, after much terror and much healing, I am making music and I am writing again.

I am not whole, and maybe I’m never going to be whole, but finally, I can feel my creativity in me again, the best part of me, the part of me I thought was dead. I hurt, and maybe I’ll never not hurt, but dammit I can breathe, and I feel that pulse in my heart again.

To those who abandoned: I am utterly bulletproof, and I don’t keep secrets anymore. Especially not your secrets.

To those who stayed: Thank you. I love you. Yes, I should have been smarter sooner, but at least I eventually got smart.

I been away a long time.