INT. THEATER - DAY
Four high-school kids -- Chuck, Sarah, Bill and Eddie --
shuffle about in togas on stage. They are surrounded with
fake bushes, and a double door hangs from the back wall. One
hand on his chest, Chuck declaims.
CHUCK
For worse than Philomel you us'd my
daughter,
And worse than... Progne... I will
be reveng'd...
Mister Dimples runs on stage, wearing a bow-tie and tapping a
clipboard with a pencil.
MISTER DIMPLES
Cut, cut! Kids, I'm sorry, but I
must stop this play immediately.
SARAH
Is there a problem, sir?
MISTER DIMPLES
I should say so, Sarah. I see that
you have seven bushes on stage
here.
CHUCK
Yes, sir, we made them ourselves --
MISTER DIMPLES
I'm sorry, Chuck, but the Texas
University Interscholastic League
rules are very clear on that point.
Section one-zero-three-three, part
C, clearly states: there are to be
no more than six self-supported
bushes, each not to exceed two feet
wide by three feet high.
SARAH
Oh, jeez, sir, we totally forgot
that rule!
The kids murmur in assent.
MISTER DIMPLES
One of these bushes must be removed
before your play can commence.
CHUCK
No problem, sir --
Bill and Eddie grab a bush and drag it off stage.
SARAH
Okay, sir, if we can just start
again?
MISTER DIMPLES
Tut-tut-tut! I notice that there
is a double door hanging from the
back of your set?
CHUCK
Oh, yes, sir, my dad helped me make
it!
MISTER DIMPLES
Now, Chuck. Section one-zero-three
three rules clearly state that the
basic set includes doors suspended
from standard, single door frames
only.
CHUCK
But, it's our door, sir -- we
worked all night on painting it --
MISTER DIMPLES
Unfortunately, if I let your play
have double doors, then I have to
permit every play to have double
doors. The state of Texas won't
permit that.
The kids grumble softly.
CHUCK
C'mon, guys, it's okay. Can you
two take the door down, please?
Bill and Eddie shove the double door behind one of the wings.
SARAH
Mister Dimples, it seems like there
are so many rules we have to follow
to produce our play.
MISTER DIMPLES
The rules do things like prohibit
profane references to... a deity.
SARAH
You mean G--
MISTER DIMPLES
Shh!
(sotto voce)
Yes!
(normal voice)
The rules are there for your
protection, Sarah. We are financed
by the taxes your parents pay. By
the way, you're not doing a play by
Edward Albee, Samuel Beckett,
Thornton Wilder, Eugene Ionesco,
David Mamet, Eugene O'Neill, Peter
Shaffer, Neil Simon or Peter Weiss,
are you?
SARAH
Well, no, sir --
MISTER DIMPLES
Good, good!
CHUCK
Sir, what's wrong with those
authors?
MISTER DIMPLES
Those authors are universally
banned from the list of approved
plays. If we offend the moral
standards of the community, we
might lose funding. We might have
to cancel the University
Interscholastic League! You
wouldn't want that, would you?
KIDS
No, we wouldn't want that, I didn't
think of it that way, etc.
MISTER DIMPLES
Now, which playwright did you
choose?
SARAH
Oh, we chose Shakespeare, sir!
MISTER DIMPLES
Good, good! All works by
Shakespeare are on the U.I.L. list
of approved plays. Which play are
you doing?
CHUCK
Titus Andronicus.
MISTER DIMPLES
Good, good! That's a very
impressive-sounding play. I
believe you're fully in compliance
then! Whenever you're ready!
Mister Dimples walks off stage.
CHUCK
For worse than Philomel you us'd my
daughter,
And worse than... Progne... I will
be reveng'd,
And now prepare your throats!
Chuck pulls out a huge butcher knife and slices the throats
of Eddie and Bill. They stagger about, gushing gallons of
blood.
CHUCK
Lavinia, come receive the blood!
Sarah catches some of the blood in her bucket.
CHUCK
Let me go grind their bones to
powder small,
And with this hateful liquor temper
it!
Chuck cuts off Eddie's head with the butcher knife.
CHUCK
And in that paste let their vile
heads be bak'd!
Chuck throws the head into the bucket. Mister Dimples runs
on stage.
MISTER DIMPLES
Children, stop, stop!
CHUCK
Sir, we cut the dual rape scene --
MISTER DIMPLES
For the love of all that's holy!
Stop the play!
CHUCK
But, sir, it's Shakespeare!
SARAH
Sir, we're following all the
rules of the Texas University
Interscholastic League...
Mister Dimples thinks.
MISTER DIMPLES
I cannot reconcile this logical
contradiction!
Mister Dimples's chest explodes in a shower of sparks. He
collapses. Sarah and Chuck walk over to him and inspect him.
SARAH
A robot!
CHUCK
I knew it all along.
Exeunt.
Well the FCC won’t let me be
Published