INT. ENTRYWAY - DAY
Martha, in a houserobe and carrying a cell phone, answers the
door. Plumber stands in the doorway, carrying a chest of
tools.
PLUMBER
You got a problem with the toilet,
ma'am?
MARTHA
Ah yes, you're the plumber.
PLUMBER
Actually, I'm a plumbing engineer,
ma'am.
They walk through the house; we dolly behind them.
PLUMBER
So what's the problem?
MARTHA
With the toilet?
PLUMBER
Yes.
MARTHA
(quickly)
Well, there is a leak at the base
of the valve cap. It's a model
four hundred A. You'll need to
lift the arm, remove the calcium
deposits, and rotate it one-eighth
of a turn counterclockwise. Also,
there's a bit of a noisy refill
cycle. The angle adapter is
pointing straight down the overflow
pipe. You need to tilt the angle
adapter so the refill water is
hitting the inside wall of the
overflow pipe. Lift the rod arm
and remove the top cap assembly by
turning one-eighth of a turn
counterclockwise. Using a
straightened coat hanger, carefully
clean out the inlet passage of the
valve.
If the problem still persists, you
may need to replace the water
supply line with Fluidmaster's
flexible no-burst Braided Stainless
Steel connector.
PLUMBER
Um...
MARTHA
Yes?
PLUMBER
Sorry, this is a lot of
information.
MARTHA
What part didn't you understand?
PLUMBER
Well, um, I'm not sure.
MARTHA
Repeat it back to me.
PLUMBER
Well, there's a leak on the valve
cap, and it's a model, what? Four
hundred?
MARTHA
Four hundred A.
PLUMBER
Yeah, that -- and there are calcium
deposits on it, so I can probably
get those out with a toothbrush --
MARTHA
I beg your pardon.
PLUMBER
Yeah?
MARTHA
You'll need to lift the arm, remove
the calcium deposits, and rotate it
one-eighth of a turn
counterclockwise. No toothbrush.
PLUMBER
Oh, okay. No problem. And there
was, what did you call it, a noisy
refill cycle? Yeah. The angle
adapter is tilted and it needs to
be straightened out --
MARTHA
No. That's not what I said. The
angle adapter is pointing straight
down the overflow pipe. You need
to tilt the angle adapter so the
refill water is hitting the inside
wall of the overflow pipe.
The plumber pulls out a clipboard.
PLUMBER
Maybe I should be writing this
down.
MARTHA
Maybe you should be.
PLUMBER
Okay, now, you have a top cap
assembly? And what did you want me
to do with that?
MARTHA
Lift the rod arm and remove the top
cap assembly by turning one-eighth
of a turn counterclockwise.
PLUMBER
Okay, one-eighth of a turn
clockwise.
MARTHA
Counterclockwise!
PLUMBER
Didn't I just say counterclockwise?
MARTHA
No, you said clockwise!
PLUMBER
Damn. Okay, one-eighth of a turn.
MARTHA
Use the seal with a Fluidmaster
Model 242.
PLUMBER
The Fluidmaster model 242?
MARTHA
Yes. It's available in most stores
that carry Fluidmaster valves.
PLUMBER
Oh, yeah, okay.
MARTHA
I want you to repeat all that back
to me.
PLUMBER
Um. Leak on valve cap. Model four
hundred. No, wait, four hundred A.
Yeah. And you want the Fluidmaster
stainless steel connector.
MARTHA
(gritting her teeth)
Fluidmaster's flexible... no
burst... Braided Stainless Steel
connector.
PLUMBER
Yes, that connector. Um...
MARTHA
What?
PLUMBER
You know, you may not need to
replace that valve. If you just
clean off the deposits with a
toothbrush --
MARTHA
Why do you continue to resist me?
PLUMBER
What?
Martha dials the cell phone.
MARTHA
I give you clear instructions, and
you refuse to follow them! You
hate me! You do, you hate me!
PLUMBER
No, ma'am, it's not that --
MARTHA
Hello, Lisa? The plumber you
referred to me? He's telling me
how I should fix my own toilet!
He's not listening to me! He's a
bad, bad plumber!
PLUMBER
Actually, I'm a plumbing engineer,
ma'am --
MARTHA
(screaming, in tears)
You bastard! You insensitive,
heartless bastard!
Dramatic organ music plays.
FADE TO BLACK.
I can be handy mending a fuse when your lights have gone
Published