FADE IN:
GRAPHIC OVERLAY - "SENIOR SHOPPING CHANNEL"
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
FARLEY
Hello and welcome back to the
Senior Shopping Channel. In this
hour we've got plenty of great
senior merchandise, so let's get
started.
Farley raises a bottle of horse pills and pours out a
couple into his fist.
FARLEY
First up, we've got Memorine,
with soy protein... to improve
short-term memory. For the next
five minutes, we'll be offering
Memorine for $9.95. So if you're
not remembering things like you
used to, call now to try
Memorine. Okay, I think we have
a home caller. Hello, home
caller! You're on the Senior
Shopping Network!
HENRY (O.S.)
Yeah. I want to purchase that
Memorine product.
FARLEY
Great idea, sir. Why did you
decide to purchase Memorine?
HENRY (O.S.)
Pardon me?
FARLEY
Why did you decide to purchase
Memorine?
HENRY (O.S.)
You kids! You think you can
prank-call an old man! I'll file
a complaint with the F.C.C., I
tell you!
Farley makes a cut-cut motion at his throat and the call
clicks off.
FARLEY
Okay! Let's move on. Next
product we have is the Crystal
Ear.
Farley pulls out a huge earpiece.
FARLEY
If you can hear the conversation,
but you can't understand the
words, the Crystal Ear is for
you. It makes every conversation
clear as crystal. Only $19.95
for the first hundred callers.
Let's take another call. Hello,
you're on Senior Shopping
Network!
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
Hello, home caller!
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
Hello! You're on the Senior
Shopping Network!
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
So are you buying the Crystal
Ear?
ROSE (O.S.)
(pause)
Yes...
FARLEY
So why did you decide to purchase
the Crystal Ear?
ROSE (O.S.)
(long pause)
Hello?
FARLEY
Hello, home caller, are you
there?
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
Farley drags a finger across his neck.
FARLEY
Okay, I think we have a bad
connection, let's take another
caller. Hello, home caller!
HENRY (O.S.)
Hello. I want to purchase that
Memorine product.
FARLEY
Great, have you called us before?
HENRY (O.S.)
What?
FARLEY
Have you called the Senior
Shopping Network before?
HENRY (O.S.)
You kids! I've got the thirty
caliber automatic I used to storm
the beaches at Normandy, do you
hear? I keep my rifle clean and
ready, understand?
Farley goes cut-cut again.
FARLEY
Okay, let's move on. Our next
product is the Tele-Split, from
AT&T. Are you and your other
family members constantly
fighting over one phone line?
With the Tele-Split and service
from AT&T, your phone line can be
split into two independent
circuits. Make calls in peace
and privacy! The Tele-Split
service and hardware is yours for
$39.95. Do we have to take a
call now? Yes, I guess so.
Hello, home caller?
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
Oh, no.
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
Hello, home caller, can you hear
me?
HENRY (O.S.)
Hello, I want to purchase that
Memorine product.
FARLEY
Actually, we're not selling
Memorine now, are you interested
in buying the Tele-Split?
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
HENRY (O.S.)
Rose, are you on the phone
extension again?
ROSE (O.S.)
Henry, is that you?
HENRY (O.S.)
Rose, get off the phone!
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
HENRY (O.S.)
Rose, I told you! One more time
listening in on my phone calls!
ROSE (O.S.)
Hello?
The sound of machine gun fire erupts over the telephone
line. Rose screams.
FARLEY
Hello? Home callers?
HENRY (O.S.)
Hello?
FARLEY
Hello, home caller?
HENRY (O.S.)
Hello. I want to purchase that
product.
FARLEY
The Tele-Split?
HENRY (O.S.)
No, the other one.
FARLEY
The Crystal Ear?
HENRY (O.S.)
No, the other one.
FARLEY
The Memorine?
HENRY (O.S.)
Memorine? What's that?
FARLEY
Home caller, is everything okay?
We thought we heard gunfire.
HENRY (O.S.)
Egad! My wife is completely
dead! You kids! I'll have the
local authorities contact your
parents! I've got a machete in
the garage! I used it to take
Iwo Jima!
Farley makes the cut-cut motion.
FARLEY
Well, that's it for this hour of
Senior Shopping Network. Next
hour, we have a new product that
has never appeared on the Senior
Shopping Network...
Farley picks up the bottle...
FARLEY
Memorine!
FADE TO BLACK.