"HABIB MONOLOGUE"

                                                              FADE IN:

               INT. BIG LIL'S - NIGHT
                (ANNOUNCER, HABIB)

               THE ANNOUNCER GRINS INTO THE MICROPHONE, ALL STAGE
               PRESENCE.

                                   ANNOUNCER

                      And now, one of the funniest men to

                      grace this stage in the last ten

                      minutes, Habib!

               THE ANNOUNCER BROADLY MOTIONS HABIB TO THE MICROPHONE.

                                   HABIB

                      Thank you.  Thank you very much. 

                      Well, you certainly look like a

                      great crowd tonight.  Yes.  Can I

                      ask you something?  How many of you

                      are from San Jose?  Yes.  That is

                      about seventy percent of you.  Wow. 

                      That must mean that thirty percent

                      are from the outlying areas.  But

                      seriously.  How about Arnold

                      Schwarzenegger becoming the governor

                      of California?  I mean, he's got so

                      many muscles, he's so large.  I

                      mean, I'm not saying he's taken the

                      steroids.  Because those are illegal

                      in California.  But I'm kidding of

                      course.  I hope you don't mind, very

                      much.  Hello.  What's your name? 

                      No, seriously, tell me your name. 

                      Diane?  Your name is Diane?  What

                      kind of name is that?  I mean, it

                      doesn't seem like a very common name

                      to me.  I have never met anyone

                      called Diane before.  But I am

                      kidding with you now.

               HABIB FIDGETS A BIT.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      So I have to tell you about my wife. 

                      My wife is so fat.  Oh wow.  She is

                      so fat, that sometimes, it's

                      difficult for her to move herself

                      around for long periods of time. 

                      Yes.  But I am joking of course. 

                      Hey, how about those San Francisco

                      Forty-Niners?  I mean, I'm not

                      saying they're a bad football team. 

                      Still, it seems their win-loss

                      record is decreasing as of late.

               HABIB SWEATS.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      But seriously.  I tell you, this

                      city.  The parking, it is so

                      difficult to find parking. 

                      Yesterday, I was driving around

                      looking for a parking space, and

                      maybe ten or fifteen minutes later,

                      I saw somebody pull out of a parking

                      space.  So I took it, when it was

                      empty.  Yes.  I finally found a

                      parking space.

               HABIB NODS AND GRINS.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      But seriously.

               HABIB COUGHS FOR A FULL FIFTEEN SECONDS.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      But seriously.

               HABIB SAYS NOTHING FOR A FULL FIFTEEN SECONDS.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      Wait a minute, I can't remember the

                      next one.  Wait, why are you

                      laughing now?  I'm not saying

                      anything yet.  Okay.  Wait.  Oh yes,

                      yes: How about Arnold Schwarzenegger

                      becoming the governor of California? 

                      I mean, he's got so many muscles,

                      he's very large.  I mean, I'm not

                      saying he's taken the steroids. 

                      Because those are illegal in

                      California.  But I'm kidding of

                      course.

               HABIB STARTS SUDDENLY.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      Wait!  Wait, I have one!  This is

                      good!  Are you ready?  Wait, listen,

                      listen!  Here it is:

               HABIB TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)
                          (Screams)

                      PANCAKES!!!

               HABIB WAITS FOR A REACTION FROM THE AUDIENCE.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      But seriously.  Okay.  Well, you

                      have been a wonderful audience. 

                      Please remember to tip your servers. 

                      I will be appearing other places

                      soon.  I will actually be here again

                      at some point.  Yes.  Thank you. 

                      You've been wonderful.  Good night.

               HABIB LEAVES THE STAGE, WAVING.  THE ANNOUNCER TAKES CENTER
               STAGE.

                                   ANNOUNCER

                      Habib, ladies and gentlemen.  Now,

                      next up we have...

               HABIB SUDDENLY RUNS BACK ON STAGE.

                                   HABIB

                      Wait, wait!  I have one!  It's good! 

                      Listen!

               THE ANNOUNCER PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS HABIB.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      Ouch!

               THE ANNOUNCER SHOOTS HABIB AGAIN.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      Ouch!

               THE ANNOUNCER EMPTIES HIS REVOLVER INTO HABIB.

                                   HABIB (CONT'D)

                      Ow.

               HABIB DIES.

                                   ANNOUNCER

                      Habib, ladies and gentlemen.

               TWO BURLY GUYS DRAG HABIB'S CORPSE OFF-STAGE.

                                                        FADE TO BLACK.