"ARNOLD VS. BUSH"

               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
                (ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER PREENS ON A STAGE BEHIND A PODIUM, IN
               FRONT OF A HUGE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES, TO LOUD APPLAUSE
               AND CHEERING.

                                   ARNOLD

                      Thank you!  The governor of

                      Caleefornia thanks you for your

                      support!

               ARNOLD RAISES HIS HANDS IN A VICTORY SIGN, LIGHT BULBS
               FLASH, AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
                (TINA, ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER STEPS OFF THE PODIUM.  TINA, A GIRL
               OF SIX, FIDGETS FROM FOOT TO FOOT AND TENTATIVELY TUGS AT
               HIS CUFF.

                                   TINA

                      Mister Arnold?

                                   ARNOLD
                          (Pleasantly)

                      Yes, little girl?

                                   TINA

                      My daddy lost his job.  Please, can

                      you fix the state so it has money

                      again?

               ARNOLD PATS TINA'S HEAD.

                                   ARNOLD
                          (Beaming)

                      I'll do what I can.

               ARNOLD WALKS STAUNCHLY AWAY AS TINA WORSHIPS HIM.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. OFFICE - DAY
                (ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD SHUFFLES A HUGE MOUND OF PAPER BEHIND A DESK.  WE
               SMASH-ZOOM INTO HIS ANGRY MUG.

                                   ARNOLD

                      It's those bastards!  Those

                      bastards!  In!  Washington!  They've

                      been stealing from Caleefornia! 

                      I'll take care of this.  My own way.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. DARKNESS
                A SERIES OF QUICK SHOTS, CUT TO ROUSING MARCH MUSIC. 
                ARNOLD LOADS A PISTOL, SHEATHS A HUGE KNIFE, CLIPS A
                ROUND OF MACHINE GUN AMMO TO HIS CHEST, AND SMEARS HIS
                FACE WITH CAMOUFLAGE PAINT.

                                                               CUT TO:

               EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT - DAY
                A STATIC VIEW OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.  IT IS
                SUBTITLED "THE PENTAGON" FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE TRULY
                STUPID VIEWERS.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PENTAGON - DAY
                (BRENDA)

               A DRAB, FLUORESCENT-LIT, SPARSELY-APPOINTED OFFICE.  BRENDA
               FILES HER NAILS.  HER TELEPHONE RINGS; SHE PICKS IT UP ON
               THE FOURTH RING.

                                   BRENDA
                          (bored to tears)

                      Duty officer.  What?  No, we had

                      burritos yesterday.  I'm tired of

                      burritos.  No.  No, we had Chinese

                      last week.  I don't know, what do

                      you want?

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PENTAGON OFFICE - DAY - FLOOR
                A GRENADE BOUNCES ACROSS THE FLOOR AND COMES TO REST IN
                FRONT OF BRENDA'S DESK.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PENTAGON OFFICE - DAY
                (BRENDA)

                                   BRENDA

                      No.  No, I don't want a burrito. 

                      Wait, can you hold on a second?

               BRENDA GLANCES DOWN AT THE FLOOR, AND THE GRENADE EXPLODES! 
               BRENDA FLIES THROUGH THE AIR!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PENTAGON OFFICE - DAY - ROLLING
                (ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD IS A ONE-MAN WAR!  HE LOBS A GRENADE BEHIND AN
               OFFICE COPIER, WHICH EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF PAPER.  HE
               FLIPS HIS BOWIE KNIFE INTO THE CHEST OF AN OFFICE WORKER,
               WHO DROPS A MUG OF COFFEE AND GAPES AT THE KNIFE IN HIS
               CHEST.  HE WHIPS OUT HIS MACHINE GUN AND FRAGS A ROW OF
               CUBICLES.  OFFICE WORKERS SCREAM AND COLLAPSE OUT OF THEM!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (BUSH, SOLDIER)

               PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH STEEPLES HIS FINGERS BEHIND A
               LARGE MAHOGANY DESK.  AN OFFICIAL-LOOKING PEN-AND-PENCIL
               SET GLEAM ATOP THE DESK.  THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL SHINES
               BEHIND BUSH'S HEAD LIKE A HALO.  A RED TELEPHONE BUZZES;
               BUSH ANSWERS IT.

                                   BUSH

                      This is the President.

               THE SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE ERUPT OVER THE TELEPHONE.

                                   SOLDIER (O.S.)

                      We've got a situation, sir!  It's

                      Arnold, sir!  He's coming this

                      way... ahh... AAAAAHHHHHH!

               THE PHONE LINE CLICKS AND WE HEAR A DIAL TONE.  BUSH HANGS
               UP.

                                   BUSH

                      He'll call back.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (ARNOLD)

               THE DOOR TO THE WAR ROOM BURSTS OPEN!  ARNOLD SMIRKS IN A
               SHROUD OF GRAY SMOKE!

                                   ARNOLD

                      You, I kill with my hands.

               ARNOLD THROWS DOWN HIS MASSIVE COLLECTION OF HARDWARE.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (BUSH)

               BUSH SLOWLY GRINS AT ARNOLD, AND JUMPS ONTO THE DESK,
               LANDING IN A PERFECT KARATE STANCE!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY - ROLLING
                (BUSH, ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD CHARGES THE DESK, BUT BUSH IS TOO FAST!  HE JUMPS
               OFF THE DESK, KICKING HIGH AND LOW.  ARNOLD DUCKS, DUCKS,
               BUT TAKES A LEFT KICK TO THE JAW.  HE ROLLS ON THE FLOOR IN
               PAIN.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (BUSH, ARNOLD)

               TWO SOLDIERS BURST INTO THE WAR ROOM, BEARING AUTOMATIC
               WEAPONS.  ONE RAISES HIS WEAPON AT THE FIGHTING PAIR, BUT
               THE OTHER ONE, WITH A SOLEMN SHAKE OF HIS HEAD, PUSHES THE
               WEAPON GENTLY TOWARD THE GROUND.  WE KNOW: THE MEN HAVE TO
               FIGHT THIS ONE OUT.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (BUSH, ARNOLD)

               BUSH GRABS ARNOLD OFF THE FLOOR; ARNOLD BEAR HUGS BACK. 
               BUSH BUTTS ARNOLD WITH HIS FOREHEAD TWO, THREE, FOUR TIMES. 
               ARNOLD RECOILS BUT HANGS ON.  BUSH BITES ARNOLD'S NOSE AND
               ARNOLD SCREAMS.  ARNOLD HURLS BUSH AGAINST THE TABLE.  BUSH
               GRABS THE RED TELEPHONE AND SMASHES ARNOLD'S FACE WITH IT
               TWICE, THREE, FOUR TIMES!  ARNOLD COLLAPSES IN A HEAP AT
               BUSH'S FEET!  BUSH DROPS THE TELEPHONE ON ARNOLD'S FACE!

                                   BUSH

                      I have news, Arnold.  It's Cal-ih

                      fornia!  Not Cal-EE-Fornia!

               ARNOLD BLINKS, BLOOD GUSHING FROM HIS FOREHEAD.  HE GRABS
               THE TELEPHONE AND PULLS IT FROM HIS FACE.

                                   ARNOLD

                      No -- it's -- Caleefornia!

               ARNOLD IS ON HIS FEET, WIELDING THE TELEPHONE!  HE SWINGS
               THE TELEPHONE, AND IT CONNECTS WITH BUSH'S JAW!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY - SLOW MOTION
                (ARNOLD, BUSH)

               BUSH PINWHEELS, PINWHEELS BACKWARD, AND LANDS FLAT ON THE
               DESK, RIGHT ON TOP OF THE PEN-AND-PENCIL SET!  THE PEN AND
               THE PENCIL SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH BUSH'S CHEST!  BUSH GASPS
               AND WRITHES IN AGONY!  HE SCREAMS, AND THEN, HIS CHEST
               EXPLODES IN A SHOWER OF SPARKS!

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY
                (ARNOLD)

               COUGHING AND WAVING AWAY THE SMOKE, ARNOLD SURVEYS WHAT
               REMAINS OF BUSH.  WIRES AND COMPUTER PARTS PROTRUDE FROM
               BUSH'S CHEST.

                                   ARNOLD

                      A robot.  I knew it all along.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. WAR ROOM - DAY - THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL
                (ARNOLD, BUSH)

               ARNOLD TUGS AT THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL, AND IT COMES AWAY
               FROM THE WALL, REVEALING A PANEL OF FLASHING LIGHTS AND A
               KEYPAD. 
               ARNOLD POKES A CODE INTO THE KEYPAD, AND A HIDDEN DOOR IN
               THE WALL SLIDES OPEN.  IN THE DARKNESS, THE REAL GEORGE
               BUSH IS HOGTIED TO A CHAIR AND GAGGED!  ARNOLD ENTERS THE
               SECRET ROOM AND PULLS THE GAG AWAY FROM BUSH'S MOUTH.

                                   ARNOLD

                      Mister President?

                                   BUSH

                      Thanks.  That was close.  Now we've

                      got to get tax relief to

                      Californians, pronto!

                                   ARNOLD

                      You mean Caleefornians, don't you?

               BUSH AND ARNOLD SHARE A LAUGH.

               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
                (ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER PREENS ON A STAGE BEHIND A PODIUM, IN
               FRONT OF A HUGE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES, TO LOUD APPLAUSE
               AND CHEERING.

                                   ARNOLD

                      And thanks to help from our friends

                      in Washington, I'm happy to announce

                      tax relief for all Caleefornians!

               ARNOLD RAISES HIS HANDS IN A VICTORY SIGN, LIGHT BULBS
               FLASH, AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.

                                                               CUT TO:

               INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
                (TINA, ARNOLD)

               ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER STEPS OFF THE PODIUM.  TINA, A GIRL
               OF SIX, FIDGETS FROM FOOT TO FOOT AND TENTATIVELY TUGS AT
               HIS CUFF.

                                   TINA

                      Mister Arnold?

                                   ARNOLD
                          (Pleasantly)

                      Yes, little girl?

                                   TINA

                      My daddy just got a job.  He says it

                      was because you helped all of

                      California.

               ARNOLD PATS TINA'S HEAD.

                                   ARNOLD
                          (beaming)

                      Just doing my job, little girl. 

                      Just doing my job.

               ARNOLD WALKS STAUNCHLY AWAY AS TINA WORSHIPS HIM.