TheBosomOfTheChurch Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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ACT 1 SCENE 1: MUNSTER, GERMANY, 1530
Darkness.
VON WALDECK (O.S.)
He did not die quickly. I saw to that. First, I caged him.
Then I used the pliers. I have a different one for each
finger. He did not scream for God.
Two sharp eyes come center stage as a
spotlight slowly rises on Bishop Franz
von Waldeck, an imposing figure in a
full cassock, lightly swinging a
censer. He addresses us directly.
VON WALDECK
After the fingers, I took the eyes. Always a lot of blood.
But easy work. But he did not scream for God. But then.
The flaming irons. They always scream for God then. But not
this one. Perhaps it was the poison softening his wits, but
had he been clear-headed... I think he would have enjoyed it
all the more. I looked into his eyes as the glowing metal
touched his flesh, and in his eyes I saw... Something that
was not pain. Divinity, the devil, or merely extreme
pleasure. Perhaps all three. Since that time, in my weakest
moments I have asked myself: might he have been God himself?
But such questions are blasphemous, and we should not
consider them. All that I truly know is this.
Von Waldeck raises his cassock and,
jeepers! He's wearing a frilly pair of
pink bloomers, with red bows!
VON WALDECK
He made me beautiful.
ACT 1 SCENE 2: RED OAK TAVERN
Von Waldeck drops his cassock and
glares at us.
VON WALDECK
Do not think for a moment that this is merely a tale of
lechery and dereliction. There are positive and wholesome
lessons to be learned herein. Those who are shocked by
indiscretion and fornication may be assured that, in my
story, righteousness ultimately triumphs over the forces of
depravity and sin. And you will surely find that I have a
thorough and holy justification for my underclothing.
We hear the sounds of a rural sixteenth
century German town: the rumbling of a
small cart, squawling of small children
playing in mud, and a bumblebee buzzes.
VON WALDECK
Munster, Germany, 1530. April twenty-second. My arrival in
town was greeted by the sight of children playing with the
filth of pigs and the smells of garlic and ale left to
moulder in the sun. My assignment, given by no other than
the High Abbess Margareta von Beichlingen: close the Red Oak
Tavern, a known pit of depravity and loose virtue.
We hear happy, raucous laughter with
one particular female most prominent:
the voice of Divara. The lights fade
up and we see that we are inside a
small tavern. A musician, Dieter,
plays a musical instrument. Jan van
Matthijs tugs on a stein of beer and
Divara giggles in his lap. Another
drinker, his back to us, chuckles
along.
VON WALDECK
WHERE!
The laughter continues. The happy
group toasts their steins.
VON WALDECK
IS!
Someone belches and the group continues
babbling a happy hubbub.
VON WALDECK
JAN VAN MATTHIJS!
Slowly the group subsides from its
laughter. Jan van Matthijs is a round
barkeep with a pleasant, unthreatening
demeanor.
VAN MATTHIJS
May I ask whose business it is to know?
Bishop von Waldeck crosses the barroom
in four strides and pushes Divara onto
the barroom floor.
DIVARA
Oot! Here!
VON WALDECK
Sacrilege! Damnation!
VAN MATTHIJS
Ah. Yes. Welcome to my tavern. You must be the Bishop
Franz von Waldeck.
VON WALDECK
Defiler! Desecrator!
VAN MATTHIJS
Ah. Now. Perhaps you want some porridge. And our ale is
honeyed today.
VON WALDECK
Keeper of whores!
VAN MATTHIJS
Here, now, I keep no whores!
In falling to the floor, Divara's skirt
has flashed up to her thighs. She
pushes it down unceremoniously.
DIVARA
I am no whore! Bastard!
Von Waldeck swings the censer and
smacks Divara in the face with it; it
makes a metallic "thonk" sound.
DIVARA
Oot! Here!
Divara stands and stares at von Waldeck
in defiance.
VAN MATTHIJS
Divara, dearest, please don't make trouble...
DIVARA
He popped me on my nose! I'll not take it!
VAN MATTHIJS
Divara, dearest, please...
Van Matthijs tugs Divara to his side.
DIVARA
(under her breath)
I'll not take it, I say!
VON WALDECK
This day is the day of Sabbath, Jan van Matthijs. This is
the day our Lord has commanded to keep holy. Yet, the pews
of our church are empty! All the sinners of Munster are
here, in your tavern, Jan van Matthijs!
VAN MATTHIJS
This tavern pays its tithes, Bishop...
VON WALDECK
In gold, yes! In sinners, no! You remain their master!
VAN MATTHIJS
I don't bar the door. Every man is free to come and go as he
chooses.
DIVARA
Here, I'm a woman! Am I not free to come and go, then?
Bishop von Waldeck swings his censer in
a small circle. Divara recoils
angrily.
DIVARA
Don't you hit me!
VON WALDECK
This place of sin is to be closed immediately. All sinners
are to follow me immediately to the church. Disobey me and
risk the loss of your immortal souls.
VAN LEYDEN
(his back turned)
And what use are they?
A new voice from the bar. His back
still turned to us, van Leyden places
an empty stein of beer on the bar. We
see the tools of a tailor on this man
as he stands, tape measure around his
neck and a long pair of scissors tucked
into his belt. His eyes are hidden
under the brim of his hat.
VAN LEYDEN
Of what use is a soul? What does it fetch at market? Do you
have a soul, Bishop von Waldeck?
VON WALDECK
Wretch, what is your name?
VAN LEYDEN
Jan van Leyden, tailor. To friends, to van Matthijs, to
Divara here, I am Jan. To you, van Leyden will do.
VON WALDECK
Get you to the church, tailor. Your sin is your ungodly
vanity and your ignorance. You will learn the word of...
God!
Von Waldeck gasps because van Leyden
has placed the point of his scissors on
von Waldeck's belly!
VAN LEYDEN
And your sin is your thirty-six inch waist in your thirty-two
inch cassock. I'll let that out for you.
With a deft move, van Leyden cuts von
Waldeck's cassock from belly to neck.
Von Waldeck gasps and feels for blood,
but there is none. Von Waldeck gasps
and covers his chest.
VAN LEYDEN
"I was afraid, because I was naked." Genesis, three-ten.
Von Waldeck swings his censer, but van
Leyden ducks! The censer continues in
its arc and bonks off Divara's head
with another metallic "thonk!"
DIVARA
(shrieking)
Oot! That's it! Bastard!
Von Waldeck tries to duck away, but
Divara grabs him from behind and rides
him like a bucking mule! Von Waldeck
drops the censer and lumbers in a
circle, desperately trying to shake her
off!
DIVARA
(shrieking)
Whoreson-bastard-mongrel-Catholic-mongrel-bastard-bastard
bastard!
Van Matthijs manages to pull Divara off
of von Waldeck. Von Waldeck rears back
and swings at Divara. Divara dives to
the floor and von Waldeck smacks van
Matthijs instead! Van Matthijs smiles
faintly and collapses to the floor!
Divara takes a bite out of von
Waldeck's ankle and von Waldeck hops
around painfully. Von Waldeck grabs
the nearest weapon, which happens to be
the musical instrument out of Dieter's
lap. He turns to the rest of the
crowd, ready to pummel anyone who comes
close. Dieter gently taps von Waldeck
on the shoulder. Von Waldeck turns and
Dieter knocks him silly with a quick
right cross. The recorder hits the
floor and falls into several pieces.
Dieter and van Leyden pick up von
Waldeck and carry him out the door.
Divara berates the senseless bishop as
he's carried out.
DIVARA
And the next time I see you here, I'll have your rosaries,
you understand? I'll chop them off and roast them and have
them for Sunday breakfast, you... you... Bastard!
Divara picks up the censer and
summarily throws it at the Bishop, who
by now is well off-stage. It hits its
target with a metallic "thonk."
VON WALDECK (O.S.)
Oot!
Van Leyden and Dieter re-enter, dusting
themselves and straightening their
clothing. They reseat themselves at
the bar. Divara tends to van Matthijs,
mopping gently at his forehead.
DIETER
Good riddance to bad religion.
VAN LEYDEN
(Toasting Dieter)
Knight takes bishop, checkmate.
Dieter inspects the broken pieces of
his instrument.
DIETER
This knight's sword is out of tune.
Van Leyden pulls an oilskin pouch from
a pocket. He tosses it to Dieter and
we hear the clink of gold coins as
Dieter catches it.
VAN LEYDEN
Take up the violin.
Dieter removes a gold coin from the
pouch.
DIETER
With this, perhaps I'll take up two.
DIVARA
Jan! Honey-cake! Lemon-drop! Sugar-pie!
VAN MATTHIJS
Divara, you're making me hungry.
DIVARA
Berry-muffin, I would just die if you had another of your
fainting spells.
VAN LEYDEN
Is he injured?
VAN MATTHIJS
My pride is badly bruised.
VAN LEYDEN
(looking o.s.)
We seem to have convinced the good bishop to leave Munster.
DIETER
How can you tell?
VAN LEYDEN
He seems to be stealing my mule.
We hear von Waldeck give a sharp
syllable of instruction, followed by
the clatter of hooves.
DIETER
The diocese is controlled from Essen. It seems your mule is
after Essen.
VAN LEYDEN
(turning to leave)
Yes. And my ass is after my mule.
DIVARA
Borrow a burro and stay with us, love. Essen's not for the
likes of us, van Leyden.
VAN MATTHIJS
Essen's controlled entirely by Catholics. Not a sinner
anywhere in the town. Only...
(with disgust)
Priests and nuns.
VAN LEYDEN
(cocking an eyebrow)
In that case, the priests are yours.
VAN MATTHIJS
But you have no horse to take you there!
VAN LEYDEN
Two legs make me half a horse, and half a horse is better
than none.
VAN MATTHIJS
Which half I won't guess. But it's forty miles of unmarked
roads. And you don't know the way!
VAN LEYDEN
Well, which way is it?
Van Matthijs ruminates, points vaguely,
grunts, shakes his head, points the
other way, draws a curlicue in the air,
and strokes his chin.
VAN MATTHIJS
Follow me.
Van Matthijs and van Leyden walk toward
the door.
VAN MATTHIJS
I'll be back before the sun rises twice, Divara. No tavern
fights while I'm gone.
DIVARA
Jan! Molasses-bear! Van Leyden, you'll watch over him
carefully? There are loose nuns in Essen, I'll wager! Nuns
that would love to take my Jan away from me!
VAN MATTHIJS
Divara, I promise. I won't so much as look at another woman
while I'm away.
Divara nods solemnly, clutches a rag
from the bartop to her cheek, and
huddles gently next to Dieter. Van
Matthijs puts his arm around van
Leyden.
VAN MATTHIJS
We'll live off the fat of the land for a few days, you and
me. Breathe the warm air, sleep beneath the stars, bow
before the girls, eh? Like old times! Face it, van Leyden,
no man on earth loves you as I do!
Van Matthijs lets out a belly laugh as
he leads van Leyden offstage...
ACT 1 SCENE 3: COTTAGE
Birdsong and the sound of gentle wind
through trees. We see the front door
to a small cottage. Perhaps we can
make out elements of a small garden
before us. Sophie, a beautiful young
girl, kneels with a basket before us,
working in the garden.
Van Leyden wanders on, followed by van
Matthijs, puffing heavily and screaming
at his friend.
VAN MATTHIJS
You ninny! You empty-headed thick-skulled addle-brained
ninny! Taking us on a forty mile walk without horses, food,
water, or other supplies! Bad idea, I said, bad idea, van
Leyden, but did you listen? No! Oh, my stomach aches for
sugar cakes!
VAN LEYDEN
Too much bile on your brain and not enough in your belly.
Tighten your belt and loosen your scarf.
VAN MATTHIJS
I can barely lift my legs!
VAN LEYDEN
You lift your tongue easily enough. I'll lift your spirits,
and with both of us lifting, the legs will surely follow.
VAN MATTHIJS
(pointing)
Look! I can see Essen, not five miles that way! They'll
have food! I'm going now!
VAN LEYDEN
Good idea. I'll --
Van Leyden spies Sophie.
VAN MATTHIJS
-- be right along.
Van Matthijs notes Sophie, looks at van
Leyden, and rolls his eyes. He trots
off. Van Leyden straightens his hair,
cleans his teeth, checks his breath,
and walks to Sophie, smiling.
VAN LEYDEN
Pardon? Is this path the fastest to Essen?
SOPHIE
I am not to talk to strangers.
VAN LEYDEN
A wise policy indeed. I never talk to strangers either. You
have never heard of a stranger named Jan van Leyden, have
you?
Sophie shakes her head "no."
VAN LEYDEN
We must be friends, then.
Sophie turns back to her garden.
SOPHIE
I am busy.
VAN LEYDEN
Not so busy that you wouldn't help a dying man?
SOPHIE
(changed)
Did you say... Dying?
VAN LEYDEN
There. The truth slips out again. I do not mean to put my
burden on you, dear girl. No, do not help me. God will
determine whether I live or die today.
Sophie fidgets.
VAN LEYDEN
You see these fragile bones? This pallid skin? This coated
tongue?
Van Leyden sticks out his tongue.
VAN LEYDEN
There ith only one plathe on earth where I may be baptithed
and continue to my heavenly dethtenation... And that is
Essen.
SOPHIE
How long do you have to live?
VAN LEYDEN
A day? An hour? But why do I, a stranger, trouble you with
my burden?
I leave you now, and be this a short path or a long one, or
an incorrect path entirely, I will die happier for having met
you on this path.
Van Leyden limps a few steps down the
path. Sophie makes a little
unconscious note of concern. Van
Leyden turns and shows the saddest
puppy-dog face in the world to Sophie,
sighs, and makes to continue down the
path.
SOPHIE
Wait --
VAN LEYDEN
(instantly)
Yes?
SOPHIE
The path is quicker to the left. Keep to your left hand.
You will arrive before sunset.
VAN LEYDEN
Oh, my beautiful dear girl! My sweet angel of saving mercy!
I ... Pray, what did your father name you?
SOPHIE
I am not to talk to strangers.
VAN LEYDEN
A long name, to be sure. Perhaps you have a nickname?
SOPHIE
Sophie.
VAN LEYDEN
I pray, Sophie, that God will shower all his utmost blessings
on you, and I pray for peace for you and -- you and --
Van Leyden tumbles in a heap at
Sophie's feet. Instantly Sophie is
kneeling beside him.
VAN LEYDEN
It's nothing. Just a passing spell.
SOPHIE
You are not well.
VAN LEYDEN
The darkness... Closing around me... I fight it... There, it
fades!
SOPHIE
I must call you a doctor.
VAN LEYDEN
Call me what you will, but my name is Jan van Leyden.
SOPHIE
(a beat)
I must fetch a doctor for you.
VAN LEYDEN
I fear that once he arrives, I will not be here. Oh, dear
sweet Sophie, my poor Sophie, I would not have had you in
this tragic position. To have to witness the passing of my
soul --
SOPHIE
(gasps)
Are you dying?
VAN LEYDEN
(nods)
And, to think, that in my life, I never once knew...
Van Leyden fades. Sophie grabs a hand
and primly smacks it until he "returns"
to consciousness.
SOPHIE
Knew what?
VAN LEYDEN
The arms of a woman. My friends told me I was mad, seeking
the love of a true woman, pure of heart, pure of mind. I
will only marry for love, I told them. Now, it is too late
for me. I am dying, Sophie. And I die... Without knowing...
The touch... Of the finer sex.
Van Leyden puts his other hand on
Sophie's. She considers for a few
moments.
SOPHIE
Not without the blessings of a priest.
VAN LEYDEN
(a complete recovery)
Hmm?
SOPHIE
I will not make bed with you unless a priest of the Catholic
order marries us.
VAN LEYDEN
Dear Sophie, the last wish of a dying man--
SOPHIE
To do otherwise would be a sin. Dying though you may be, I
will not make bed with you unless we are first married by a
Catholic priest.
VAN LEYDEN
(sighs)
My strength returns.
SOPHIE
(surprised)
You recover so suddenly?
VAN LEYDEN
For the moment, yes. Though I will be dead soon. By the
sunset, by the sunrise, who can tell?
Van Leyden gets to his feet and dusts
himself off. Sophie follows him.
VAN LEYDEN
And when I die, the words on my lips will be...
Van Leyden slowly mouths the word
"Sophie." Sophie flutters a little.
Van Leyden turns to continue on the
path.
SOPHIE
Keep --
VAN LEYDEN
(a double meaning)
I know. To my left hand.
Van Leyden heavily trudges to the edge
of the stage. Van Matthijs appears
again and van Leyden stops before him.
Van Matthijs looks at him quizzically.
VAN MATTHIJS
Did she go for it?
Bitter silence from van Leyden.
VAN MATTHIJS
You're losing your touch. They always used to go for the
death thing. Did you use the "touch of the finer sex" line?
VAN LEYDEN
Shut up, Jan.
Van Leyden walks offstage.
VAN MATTHIJS
Face it, van Leyden. In Germany the only way to control a
woman is to control her mind. And the only way to control
her mind is to control the church!
VAN LEYDEN
Shut up, Jan!
VAN MATTHIJS
(sniffing)
Batter-cakes! I smell batter-cakes! We're nearly to Essen,
Jan, and there's a stack of batter-cakes with van Matthijs's
name straight on them!
ACT 1 SCENE 4
Gregorian chants fill the air. A vast
and ornate candelabrum and a golden
chalice, and perhaps the greatest
indicator of wealth in the sixteenth
century: huge beautiful books of all
types. Leafing through a beautiful
Bible is Margareta II von Beichlingen,
the Abbess of Essen. In a time of
unliberated women, she is without a
doubt the most powerful person in this
part of Germany. Her title was
Princess of the Realm; she was
recognized as a voting member of the
Diet of the Holy Roman Empire. She has
a stunning gold medallion at her throat
with a blood-red ruby at the center.
In quietly steps Bishop von Waldeck.
Von Beichlingen does not acknowledge
the Bishop's presence; she merely
continues reading the Bible.
VON WALDECK
May it please the Princess --
Von Beichlingen raises a finger for
silence and does not turn to face him.
Von Waldeck swallows his words.
VON BEICHLINGEN
There was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now
therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill
every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all
the women children, that have not known a man by lying with
him, keep alive for yourselves.
VON WALDECK
(tensely)
Deuteronomy?
VON BEICHLINGEN
Numbers, chapter thirty-one, verses sixteen through eighteen.
Von Beichlingen turns and we see her
face for the first time, beautiful and
terrible. She doesn't bother to grant
her eyes to von Waldeck.
VON BEICHLINGEN
As all good Catholics know.
VON WALDECK
My Princess, the townspeople of Munster --
VON BEICHLINGEN
Have thrown you out of the town on your ear. Meanwhile, the
people of Munster rob our tax collectors. Our treasury
dwindles. Our army is reduced to less than a thousand
overpaid mercenaries and fifty loyal eunuchs.
VON WALDECK
My Princess --
VON BEICHLINGEN
Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from
troubles. Proverbs, chapter twenty-one, verse twenty-three.
There are three courses for those who wish to hold a newly
acquired state: the first is to ruin the state, the next is
to reside there in person, the third is to permit them to
live under their own laws, drawing a tribute, and
establishing within it an oligarchy which will keep it
friendly to you. Machiavelli.
Von Waldeck doesn't recognize the name,
but doesn't let on.
VON BEICHLINGEN
I'll live in the cesspool called Munster under no conditions,
so option two is out. I'll burn Munster to the ground if I
can find no other way to control it. We'll reserve option
one. Meanwhile, I choose option three. I will install a
bishop that the people of Munster respect, but who will
remain ultimately loyal to this parish.
VON WALDECK
May it please the Princess, what will become of me?
VON BEICHLINGEN
I understand that Reykjavik is replete with sinners requiring
conversion.
VON WALDECK
Is that in Finland?
VON BEICHLINGEN
Iceland.
VAN LEYDEN (O.S.)
You must tell her that it is a matter of the utmost
importance!
VOICE (O.S.)
The Abbess Margareta von Beichlingen does not address herself
to commoners.
VAN LEYDEN (O.S.)
I come as a subject of the Abbess, then!
VOICE (O.S.)
Church business is transacted only on Thursdays at two hours
before vespers...
VAN LEYDEN (O.S.)
Is my business the church business?
VON BEICHLINGEN
(carelessly)
That is my decision.
(calling o.s.)
Let him in.
Van Leyden bursts in, disheveled. He
immediately senses that he is in the
presence of unusual power.
VAN LEYDEN
May it please the Princess --
VON BEICHLINGEN
What is the meaning of this disturbance?
VAN LEYDEN
(gulps)
I am Jan van Leyden, the tailor, and I come to the cathedral
to inquire as to the health of my mule.
VON WALDECK
One of the natives of Munster, my Princess.
VON BEICHLINGEN
(to van Leyden)
You, wait. We have thirty new aspirants in the next room. I
am to talk to them.
Von Beichlingen pushes a curtain aside
and we hear a murmur of female voices
that quickly "shush" one another. She
glares purposefully at the crowd and
then continues.
VON BEICHLINGEN
Poverty. Chastity. Obedience. You smell the scent of the
convent's batter-cakes and you hunger for them.
Girls, the hunger you now feel in your bellies is nothing to
the hunger your souls feel for God. You will purify
yourselves. Remove the lice-ridden clothing from your
unclean bodies. You will sanitize yourselves thoroughly with
water from the buckets, there, and there. Your habits will
be brought to you shortly. The sooner you are clean, the
sooner you may eat.
Nervous chatter from the girls. Von
Beichlingen drops the curtain.
VON BEICHLINGEN
Speak.
VAN LEYDEN
I last saw my ass underneath the buttocks of that man.
VON BEICHLINGEN
(gently)
You accuse the Bishop Franz von Waldeck of crime? The bishop
is the ecclesiastical authority for Munster. His word is
law. Now. Think carefully. Answer correctly. Do you claim
that von Waldeck stole your mule?
Van Leyden thinks fast.
VAN LEYDEN
Stole it... Heavens, no! The mule is my gift to the abbey!
Von Waldeck rolls his eyes.
VAN LEYDEN
Your tax collector came to my shop. I paid him the standard
fourteen gold-guilders and he left. After he had gone, I
realized that I had just received a new shipment of muslin
from Brussels. I owed the tithe for it, and yet I had
forgotten to pay it to the collector.
VON WALDECK
This story is slow.
VAN LEYDEN
Unfortunately my business is also slow, my respected
Princess, and thus I pay my tithes to you, not in gold, but
in the last item of value this poor weaver possesses -- my
stable, beloved mule.
VON WALDECK
My Princess, this man is a weaver of tales and an actor.
VON BEICHLINGEN
(a slight smile)
He reminds me a bit of you.
VAN LEYDEN
(dabbing a tear)
My mule... Please feed her oats... She likes oats... And a
carrot every now and then...
VON BEICHLINGEN
Tell me what news of Munster.
VAN LEYDEN
My Princess?
VON BEICHLINGEN
Are they sympathetic to our Holy Church?
VAN LEYDEN
I am your loyal subject --
VON BEICHLINGEN
That was not my question. Think carefully. Answer
correctly.
VAN LEYDEN
(sighing)
I see now that my life is forfeit.
VON BEICHLINGEN
Pardon?
VAN LEYDEN
Were I to tell you that Munster is full of scoundrels who
alternately laugh at your Church and curse it as a pox upon
Germany, you would have me hung as a traitor. And yet, were
I to tell you that Munster is a town of law-abiding Catholics
who love their Princess --
VON BEICHLINGEN
Yes?
VAN LEYDEN
You would instantly detect the lie and have me hung as a
traitor.
VON WALDECK
The logic seems sound to me.
VAN LEYDEN
The people of Munster cannot understand the original Greek or
interpret the scriptures. They are not baptized. They do
not believe. So you cannot control their hearts. They
simply... Know not, my dear Princess.
VON BEICHLINGEN
But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of
stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes.
VAN LEYDEN
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much
required.
VON BEICHLINGEN
And to whom men have committed much...
VAN LEYDEN
Of him they will ask the more.
VON BEICHLINGEN
Luke.
VAN LEYDEN
Chapter twelve, verse forty-eight.
VON BEICHLINGEN
And how, tailor, can Munster be made to believe?
VAN LEYDEN
By instituting a priest, a figurehead, sympathetic to the
people of Munster, but ultimately loyal to you.
VON WALDECK
May it please the Princess --
VON BEICHLINGEN
(raising a hand)
I tire of these interruptions. We can talk more specifically
tomorrow morning, van Leyden.
Von Beichlingen turns on her heel and
signals van Leyden to follow her. Van
Leyden and von Waldeck bow deeply as
she leaves. As they straighten, their
eyes lock.
VON WALDECK
You seduce her with your lying tongue.
VAN LEYDEN
The story of my life.
Von Waldeck glares for a moment and
then pursues von Beichlingen off-stage.
On his way out he bumps into van
Matthijs, who enters, led by his own
nose.
VAN MATTHIJS
Oh, there you are! Batter-cakes! I smell them! They call
out to me! There must be a kitchen somewhere in this abbey --
VAN LEYDEN
Jan, I think I've talked myself into a new job.
VAN MATTHIJS
Batter-cakes, batter-cakes, batter-cakes, where are they?!
VAN LEYDEN
Jan, wait, behind that curtain there are ---
Van Matthijs shoves the curtain aside,
and we hear the giggle of many girls
from within. Van Matthijs gasps, grabs
his chest, and collapses with a huge
smile on his face.
VAN LEYDEN
Thirty naked girls!
VAN MATTHIJS
(physical agony, mental
ecstasy)
Oh rapture! Oh joy!
Van Matthijs dies.
ACT 1 SCENE 5
A deep bell tolls mournfully in the
distance. Lights slowly up on a small
unmarked grave stone. Von Beichlingen
and van Leyden frown down upon it. A
small wooden chest sits at von
Beichlingen's feet.
VAN LEYDEN
At least he died happy.
VON BEICHLINGEN
You've given your mule and your best friend to God in one
day, van Leyden.
VAN LEYDEN
I can buy another mule. Good men cannot be bought.
VON BEICHLINGEN
Can they not, van Leyden? I find that, as with many things,
the finest ones are the most expensive.
VAN LEYDEN
My Princess?
VON BEICHLINGEN
Operate Munster for me. Collect the tithes, keep the people
in line. Maintain absolute authority in Munster.
VAN LEYDEN
(a beat)
What do you offer in trade?
VON BEICHLINGEN
In exchange I offer... Absolute authority in Munster. Your
title will be Bishop of Munster, God's authority in all
matters regarding the state.
VAN LEYDEN
(a beat)
May it please the Princess --
VON BEICHLINGEN
It would, in fact, please me. Spare me the manufactured
modesty and accept the path chosen for you.
VAN LEYDEN
(smiling)
My Princess knows me better than I know myself.
VON BEICHLINGEN
I will send a division of twenty of our eunuchs immediately.
They will be useful as loyal soldiers that do not succumb to
temptation. You are to fill Munster with good Catholics.
Von Beichlingen opens the wooden chest
and lifts out a cassock and seal.
VON BEICHLINGEN
You will wear the official robes of Essen.
Van Leyden opens his mouth to ask a
question.
VON BEICHLINGEN
(pointedly)
You will wear the official robes of Essen without
modification.
Van Leyden sags and von Beichlingen
hands him the robes.
VON BEICHLINGEN
I'll expect a report within the month of your progress.
Van Leyden turns to leave.
VON BEICHLINGEN
God go with you, van Leyden.
Van Leyden turns back.
VAN LEYDEN
He always does.
Van Leyden leaves.
ACT 1 SCENE 6
Sophie wipes dirt from her hands and
lifts a basket of peas. Van Leyden
appears in a cassock, a surplice and a
large cross. Sophie stands
respectfully and drops her eyes in
deference to the approaching bishop.
Van Leyden approaches Sophie and makes
the sign of the cross at her. Sophie
looks up and recoils.
SOPHIE
It's you!
VAN LEYDEN
Exactly.
SOPHIE
I did not know that you are a bishop!
VAN LEYDEN
Miracles never cease.
SOPHIE
Your sudden recovery seems miraculous.
VAN LEYDEN
With God, nothing is impossible. Not even Sophie offering to
marry Jan van Leyden.
SOPHIE
You were dying when I said that!
VAN LEYDEN
I'm dying now, Sophie. An hour, a day, a year, a hundred
years from today, but I am a dying man. It may be tomorrow
or some day after tomorrow, but death is surely upon me.
SOPHIE
(a new subject)
Where is your round friend?
VAN LEYDEN
He died.
Sophie gasps.
SOPHIE
Did you... Kill him?
VAN LEYDEN
He died of too much joy, Sophie. And if you were to marry
me...
Sophie blinks.
VAN LEYDEN
I might also die of too much joy.
SOPHIE
If you died, you might stop mocking me thus.
VAN LEYDEN
I do not mock you.
SOPHIE
You do mock me. You think that I am but a common fragile
girl. But I am stronger than any man with a knife. Here.
Sophie hands a carrot to van Leyden.
SOPHIE
Attack me with this.
Van Leyden rolls his eyes lasciviously
at Sophie.
SOPHIE
What? Attack me with this.
VAN LEYDEN
I have had dreams like this.
SOPHIE
Here, this is a knife. Attack me with the knife!
Van Leyden gamely waves the knife at
Sophie. With a slick move, Sophie
grabs van Leyden and twists his wrist
into himself. They end up in a tight
clench, their hands in van Leyden's
groin. Van Leyden grunts in pain.
SOPHIE
There, you see. I have turned the knife into your own body.
VAN LEYDEN
(in great pain, squeaking)
Not... Carrot...
SOPHIE
What?
VAN LEYDEN
(sweating)
That's not the carrot...
Sophie looks down and releases van
Leyden. He gasps and staggers, rubbing
his crotch.
VAN LEYDEN
(panting)
Your grip is truly prodigious. A grip of iron. Tell me,
Sophie, do you perchance milk cows?!
SOPHIE
I own forty cows! How did you know that?
VAN LEYDEN
(groaning)
Lucky guess! You are truly a girl of flabbergasting
strength!
SOPHIE
Did I injure you?
VAN LEYDEN
(squeaking)
No, I...
(clears throat)
No, I recover.
SOPHIE
I can do many things. I can tell between baking mushrooms
and poisonous ones. I can ride a horse without a saddle.
And I know every star in the heavens.
VAN LEYDEN
That is something! I cannot name a single star.
SOPHIE
On the horizon, there. The belt of Orion. Betelgeuse. The
twins of Castor and Pollux. And there, the red one --
VAN LEYDEN
Yes?
SOPHIE
Mars, a wandering star. Every night he travels a little
further across the sky.
VAN LEYDEN
Where is he now?
SOPHIE
(pointing)
He crosses the path of Virgo. You see her arms, her body,
there --
VAN LEYDEN
I do see them.
SOPHIE
Soon Mars will wander from her path.
VAN LEYDEN
Then Mars is a fool. Is it possible, Sophie...
SOPHIE
Yes?
VAN LEYDEN
Might a wandering star ever stop in his path?
Van Leyden takes Sophie into his arms
and kisses her. She resists a bit.
Van Leyden takes her hand and pulls her
toward the cottage.
SOPHIE
No --
VAN LEYDEN
Sophie, I burn for you!
SOPHIE
Not unless we are married by a priest of the Catholic order.
VAN LEYDEN
(smacking his forehead)
Done! Jan van Leyden, do you take this woman Sophie to be
your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer, for
poorer? I do. Sophie, do you take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, et cetera and so
forth? Say I do.
SOPHIE
Um... Well...
VAN LEYDEN
Say I do!
SOPHIE
Well, I...
VAN LEYDEN
Thank you! If there's anyone present who has reason for this
marriage to not take place, make himself known!
Van Leyden cups a hand to an ear and
listens.
SOPHIE
Um...
VAN LEYDEN
Thank you! With the power vested in myself by the Princess
von Beichlingen, I now pronounce us man and wife!
SOPHIE
But, I...
VAN LEYDEN
I-may-kiss-the-bride!
Van Leyden grabs Sophie and kisses her.
She struggles a bit but then settles
into the kiss.
VAN LEYDEN
Tonight, Sophie, the stars stop in their paths.
They walk to the threshold of the
cottage and their eyes meet. Van
Leyden moves to pick Sophie up,
ostensibly to carry her across the
threshold. Sophie pulls away.
SOPHIE
No.
Van Leyden cocks an eyebrow.
SOPHIE
I can walk across the threshold myself.
Sophie takes van Leyden's hand and
leads him into the cottage.
ACT 1 SCENE 7
Darkness. Crickets chirp and we hear
the sound of a lone wolf calling his
own name.
VON WALDECK (O.S.)
Disgusting. Thoroughly disgusting.
Spotlight up on von Waldeck. He is
carrying a bit of parchment.
VON WALDECK
I will, of course, be the first to admit that being a bishop
is an easy life. The Tuesday beef is brown and savory; the
morning milk is never sour; the down pillows of my bed are
always washed by the nuns to a snow-glistening white; the
fire in my room is always cheered with twice-seasoned wood.
To acquire my position had taken me years of careful, subtle,
dutiful obeisance to the Princess von Beichlingen. And the
honey-tongued tailor takes the title in an afternoon of thick
lies. Impertinence! Interference! Impudence! Am I to lose
my rightful entitlements because of this... pretender? Well.
He may be a fine weaver of tales, but I have learned
something in my years of service to the Princess. We
kingmakers must employ two kinds of men. We must employ bold
men of confidence and ability, fair-haired heroes whose armor
glints in the noonday sun, men of honesty and valor. And...
We must employ the other kind. Men of silence and cool logic
and sensible deception for the purpose of greater good. Men
who think neither too little nor too much, but follow and
execute and obey, unto the making of their own corpses. God
grants me the ability to see these men and pull them from the
dark coal pits and polish them into glowing and sharp jewels.
A man, covered from head to toe in a
black cape and hood, enters. Moving
with certainty, he is an intimidating
sight. Perhaps we can catch a glint of
his eyes underneath his dark hood, but
no more. This, dear friends, is
Wolferam. Truly, his name is all that
von Waldeck knows about him.
VON WALDECK
Ah, Wolferam. The hour is odd, as is a task that I would
have done.
Wolferam says nothing.
VON WALDECK
There is a Jan van Leyden of Munster. He has told lies to
the Princess von Beichlingen in order to take my rightful
title from me. It would please me greatly if the quick
tongue in his head should slow a bit. Here.
Von Waldeck produces a red wand with a
small, ornate handle. He places the
wand in Wolferam's gloved palm.
VON WALDECK
Pull the handle.
Wolferam's hands do so, and an
extremely sharp needle slides from its
sheath. Wolferam experimentally prods
a finger toward the tip of the needle.
VON WALDECK
Don't!
Wolferam freezes.
VON WALDECK
The tip is coated with monk's-hood. Death will come within
an hour to whomever it touches.
Wolferam sheaths the needle.
VON WALDECK
Van Leyden is returning now to Munster. You will find him
there. Here, I have written his name for you.
Von Waldeck shows Wolferam the
parchment.
VON WALDECK
Clergymen and other people of significance will be able to
read it. The populace will not.
Wolferam tucks the parchment into a
pocket.
VON WALDECK
Ah, yes. I would never forget your price. Fifty gold
guilders, I believe?
Wolferam nods silently. Von Waldeck
pulls out a clinking pouch of coins and
places them in Wolferam's palm.
VON WALDECK
Here are one hundred gold-guilders, then. And one hundred
more when you bring me the tongue. But, in exchange for my
courtesy... Be sensible and quiet, Wolferam. Cause no
unnecessary disturbance. Permit no eyes to see, no ears to
hear.
Wolferam looks at the pouch of gold,
nods, and pockets it. Wolferam slowly,
silently, turns and walks away.
VON WALDECK
God protect you.
Black out.
ACT 2 SCENE 1
The sound of glasses clinking and happy
laughter: we're back at the Red Oak
Tavern. Dieter and Divara toast each
other with mugs. Van Leyden enters,
wearing his cassock and cross. Dieter
sees him; Divara doesn't.
DIETER
A bishop walks into a bar.
DIVARA
(thinks)
I don't get it.
VAN LEYDEN
And he says, "Ouch! Who put this bar here?"
Divara turns and sees van Leyden. She
screams with joy and runs into van
Leyden's arms, kissing his cheek,
laughing. Van Leyden smiles and laughs
as well.
DIVARA
Van Leyden, van Leyden! Where did you find this ridiculous
peacock costume? Oh, your cheeks are rosy from exercise, to
be sure!
VAN LEYDEN
(a beat)
Dieter!
Van Leyden strides to Dieter and shakes
his hand.
VAN LEYDEN
And how is my favorite musician, eh? I'll bet you have a new
air for us.
DIETER
My air is not yet ready to air; it's in disrepair; I would
err to air it. But your wild affair is beyond compare.
VAN LEYDEN
(showing off his costume)
It's true that I have a fashionable head on my shoulders.
DIETER
Were a member of the church to see you in this costume, your
head and your shoulders might part.
VAN LEYDEN
This is no costume.
Van Leyden pulls a gold seal from a
hidden pocket.
VAN LEYDEN
And this is the seal of the Cathedral of Essen.
DIETER
(crossing himself)
My God!
VAN LEYDEN
Exactly. I am now the holiest man in Munster.
Dieter and Divara look at each other
for a moment silently, and then
simultaneously scream with laughter.
DIETER
(laughing)
To get this costume... This gold seal... Are you sure you
didn't kill someone?
DIVARA
Where's Jan?
VAN LEYDEN
(laughing)
Who did I kill? Indeed! Who did I kill!
Van Leyden starts.
VAN LEYDEN
Divara, dearest. You haven't beaten any other men in my
absence, have you?
Divara grabs van Leyden's face with
both hands, mashing his lips into an
ungraceful moue. She squeezes his
cheeks, moving his mouth like a puppet,
and makes van Leyden say...
DIVARA
Where. Is. Jan.
Van Leyden freezes and thinks for long
seconds.
VAN LEYDEN
Well. Divara, you see... It's that...
[top]
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